Sunday, March 20, 2011

Why Is Chris Farley Topless? WHY

OK, I think I’m back. And what better way to celebrate being back than by the first big solo outing from one of the 90’s big comedic names – Mr Adam Sandler. It’s a film that I am not afraid to admit that, the first time I saw it, I had tears running down my face from laughter. No, not Happy Gilmore (as funny as that may be) – the other one, Billy Madison.

In a nutshell – Billy Madison is the spoiled son of a powerful business magnate. When he dies (the father, not Billy), Billy is forced to go back to school so that he can take over the business. Goaded into doing the entirety of his primary and secondary schooling, Billy finds himself doing a new grade every two weeks, grade one to grade twelve. Hilarity ensues.

You know, what the hell...this can be stream of consciousness...ELIPSES POWER IS ACTIVATED!!!

Adam Sandler in “silly voices ahoy”...the only role the man was truly good at was playing a total retard...NORM MCDONALD!!!...this whole film is WSD, let’s just get that out of the way...hell, 98% of Adam Sandler’s career is WSD...nothing says spoiled like driving a golf cart without concern for your fellow man...I still don’t know why there is a penguin...he wants that penguin sooooooo much...ohai, sassy black housekeeper – gimme mah chocolate snack pack...oh Billy, always disappointing your father, will you ever learn?...BRADLEY WHITFIELD!!! I will never see that man as anyone other than Dan Stark now...KOLCHAK!!!! You need your hat, sir...Oh Billy, you are such a loveable retard...Will you ever win?

Hey look, it’s the plot – and replacement Kramer is the only one who believes in Billy...DON’T LISTEN TO DAN STARK, that man is smarmy evil...Oh Billy, you are such a prankster...And now, Billy gets some drive – the only way he knows how: SHOWING UP DAN STARK!!!...Oh Adam Sandler – teaching the kids how to spell the word rock...AND NOW WE REALLY HAVE A PLOT...he’ll tumble for ya...meanwhile, Billy wants his snack pack...and now, more retard singing...O’DOYLE RULES!!!!...ohai Mrs Loveinterest, how you doin?...oh how I hate the first grade teacher – such a damn hippy...”what do we do to our special people?” TOUCH THEIR BATHING SUIT ZONES!!!...DODGEBALL!!! Oh teacher, you are so fucking evil – trying to quash free thinking...yes, O’Doyle truly rules...And now, Adam Sandler beating up children, GOOD...Yes, Sandler, you eat that paste...And try to crack onto a MILF – awwwwwyeah...Oh Dan Stark, you are so evil...Oh Billy Madison, however will you use those tiny toilets?...And now, grade two...But first – a clown dying...

And Billy is a good speller...or is he?...HE IS THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE..That was the quickest grade two ever...Oh look, Billy is in Miss Loveinterest’s class, and is a complete douchewit...Will he see the error of his ways?...Maybe...But he will never learn to spell rizutto...or write a cursive Z (but too be fair, those fuckers are hard)...O’DOYLE RULES...And Principal Anderson is a masked wrestler – yep, just spoiled it for you...And Billy wins the heart of all the 3rd grade girls – AND THE PRINCIPAL...Oh Billy, being in love with Ms Loveinterest and all...CHRIS FARLEY!!! And he’s alive!!!...Oh Billy, will you ever learn?...Worst. Fieldtrip. Ever...needs more urine...and there we go, urine...Oh Billy, winning friends by peeing yourself – why do I get the feeling that this is every day for Adam Sandler?...goodbye, grade 3...

Oh that Dan Stark, so evil...Oh that Billy, always so getting cockblocked by replacement Kramer...Grade 4, so quick...As is grade 5...and grades 6, 7 and 8...We all love extra sloppy sloppy Joes...Oh Dan Stark, stop being so evil to the poor Principal...At least wrestling is still real to him...ohai High School...ohai Billy, you are so 80’s – who remembers RFO Speedwagon?...Oh Billy, your shtick doesn’t work in high school...and O’Doyle DOES rule...Oh Billy, always so popular with the kids, and smoochin’ on the teacher...AND LEARNING LESSONS!!...HOLY CRAP, THAT PHONE IS THE SIZE OF MY HEAD!!!....BUSCEMI!!! Y SO CRAZY!!!...Oh Billy, you cheater...Oh Dan Stark, you evil evil man...Billy, you have 20 minutes to right all of this, so, GET DRUNK AND MOLEST THAT PENGUIN!!...

Oh Billy, why so drunk?...It’s that penguin again...Ohai Ms Loveinterest – use tough love on Billy, it really is the only way he’ll learn...Well, that and believing in him...POWERSONG!!!...All hail the comedy of a totally out of left field song...and a not dead clown...SHOWDOWN – Billy Madison v Dan Stark, academic decathlon – SAN DIMAS HIGH FOOTBALL RULES!!!...O’Doyle, on the other hand, doesn’t...mmmm, nudity, helps me study too...why are you naked, Chris Farley?...Decathlon time, yo...What does running and setting yourself on fire have to do with academia?...C’mon Billy, use your brains!!!...Awwwwwwyeah – The Puppy Who Lost Its Way, FTW...The way Dan Stark does business is with a gun – I knew that...ALL HAIL THE REVOLTING BLOB!!...AND BUSCEMI...And Billy wins...

3 comments:

  1. This movie should just be called "Stupid White People Doing Stupid White People Things."

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  2. I only saw this once, ages ago, and that was plenty. Props to you for making it through it.

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  3. I actually really enjoy it. It's the very embodiment of brainless, stupid humour.

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