Hasty Retreat, Quick Surrender

Title provided by Dan over there at The World Of Disgruntled Monkey.

Edit – I was going to review the whole series, but because this film sucks so badly, I will not.

We start, as these things often do, with the first film in the series, which stars a then almost unknown Jean-Claude Van Damme as Ivan Krushensky – because that is the level of witty wordplay we are dealing with here. Of course, when I say unknown, I mean unknown except this



Yes, that is Jean-Claude busting some tasty moves in the immortal Breakin’ (a movie I hope to cover at some point soon). However, that will be then – this is now, back to today’s movie.

If you know the plot of The Karate Kid, then you know the plot of this film. It’s your simple “kid moves to a new town, gets bullied, learns martial arts, kicks everyone in the face until they learn a lesson” plot. Only, with JCVD as a bad guy. And no Pat Morita.

And because it’s simple sounding film, I think a liveblog will be in order.

00:24-00:30 – First things first, this is an absolutely rubbish print that looks like it wouldn’t be out of place in a Mill Creek set.
00:35-01:00 – The quality of the print may have improved, but that is the only thing that has improved. Nothing says cheap-ass 80s more than self-shot stock footage of LA and a cheesy keyboard “rock” riff over the top.
01:40-01:49 – And, over a zoom in on Jason, our hero (who I already want to punch in the face), we get “And Jean-Claude Van Damme as ‘Ivan, The Russian’” –because even they are ashamed of the name Krushensky.
02:14-02:25 – Why is our hero sparring with a young Eli Roth?
02:30-02:45 – Oh, I get it – even though he is a red belt in karate, he still thinks it’s Jeet Kun Do. It seems that our hero is a bit of a showboat. I can’t wait for Van Damme to whup him. Oh, and just so I don’t have to keep touching on it, Jason and Sensei Jason’s Dad don’t agree on things. But they’ll be friends at the end.
02:55-03:10 – That’s how you know they are evil, they have a luxury car, and....HOLY CRAP, VAN DAMME IN A SUIT. Nothing else in this film will be as awesome as that. Oh, and the other body guard has a puffball mullet.
04:00-04:10 – Firstly, Sensei Our Hero’s Dad is an actor of such skill that he’d not be out of place in Troll 2. And secondly, if JCVD in a suit is glowering at you, YOU GIVE THE BAD GUY WHAT HE WANTS.
04:45-04:50 –“Karate is not to be used aggressively, but if I have no other choice...” And that, right there, is your line of the movie. And sums up every martial arts film ever.
05:00-05:40 – It’s just like Obi Wan v Darth Vader in Star Wars. ONLY HOLY SHIT.... VAN DAMME HITS A VAULTING KICK OFF PUFFBALL’S SHOULDER INTO SENSEI’S CHEST!! Then destroys his knee.
06:10-06:15 – “I think my leg is broken”, he says – while the leg in question is bent at the knee. Yes, it’s that sort of film. All I can think of is that line from MST Pod People: “Her back may be broken – quick, let’s fold her!”
06:20-06:30 – “Fighting them is not the answer.” “But, what is the answer?” I don’t know, possibly a script with the most stilted, awkward dialogue ever? But really, the answer is coming – and it is so much worse.
07:00-08:30 – Yes, the answer is: move to Seattle (it sure beats raising cattle), accompanied by the music of Phillip Glass. And wow, I never realised how much Seattle looks like a suburb of LA.
09:50-10:05 – This kid is a freakin’ buffoon.

10:15-10:47 – And he’s now befriended the only kid whiter than he is. RJ, the only black kid alive who can make Carlton Banks look like Spike Lee. But he does have a basketball AND a transistor radio on the front of his bike.
11:15-11:25 – And here’s the neighbourhood bully, a fat 40 year old teenager who is introduced to us as he is propped up against a car, shovelling an entire cake into his maw. Well, he’s more smearing it over his lips, like a food based Buffalo Bill. I’m sure he’ll see the error of his ways, and we’ll get the humour of a fat kid doing strenuous exercise.
12:15-13:00 - There are no words for how lame this is, Jason and RJ are combining karate, electro-poplock and bad 80s rap into something far lamer than you and I could ever imagine. Oh hai thar, obvious breakdance double.
13:35-14:30 – Oh, I think Jason might idolise Bruce Lee or something. I’d have never guessed, since it’s been so subtly handled.
15:00-15:40 – So, fatty’s whole character arc seems to be this – he’s fat and doesn’t like doing work. Silly fatty.
16:20-17:00 - But for a fat kid, he sure can run. And has pretty deft balancing skills too. I think he might just end up joining WhiteKids Dojo.
18:00-19:00 – Oh jeez, Jason and RJ have paid a visit to Bruce Lee’s grave and are praying for guidance. We get it.
19:30-22:10 - Oh hai there fat kid eating hamburgers. Why do you hate on RJ so much? Do you want his purple socks? If this doesn’t turn into a breakdance fight, I will be very upset. Oh hai thar Jason to the rescue.

21:42-21:44 – And we have a title.
23:30-25:00 – Meanwhile, in Reno... yeah, I find it best not to ask too many questions either. Noone in this film can act. But at least Jason knows where to go for training now.
27:00-30:00 – Oh fatty. You will get your comeuppance. So, apparently the karate rivalry between Seattle and LA rivals the East Coast/West Coast rap rivaly. And thus ends that training, after Jason gets whupped.

31:00-32:00 – Everyone in this film is a horrific actor, reading the lines as though they were just given them not five minutes before. It’s borderline painful.
Random Film Observation: This film is just like The Karate Kid, if The Karate Kid failed on every level, and was performed by outpatients who recently went through major brain surgery.
34:20-34:21 – Why are you greeting Jason like an old friend? He only just moved to the city and only knows RJ and Fatty. This movie was 100% improvised on the fly, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it?
38:00-38:30 – What is happening to Jason right now is what is happening to my brain watching this film. It’s being assaulted by average karate, awful acting and way too much pastel. I have decided that I’m going to spend the rest of this review badmouthing this film.
39:20-40:00 – Why is there a flashback to what happen in the very last scene? Film, YOU SUCK!

41:00-45:00 – FILM, WHY DO YOU KEEP SUCKING? I am going to come in there and beat you up in a second. At least RJ and Jason have a love nest now. Seriously, the last 50 minutes could be nothing but Van Damme and it couldn’t remove the suck.
45:10-45:12 – And we have a title, again. Fucking catchphrases. Why have I written almost 1400 words on this pile of garbage? I scare myself sometimes.
46:46-47:00 – Aliens?
47:10-48:00 – And playing the role of Mr Miyagi? The ghost of Bruce Lee. Fuck this, movie YOU SUCK ON EVERY LEVEL. I don’t care what happens in the rest of the film. I’m sure it involves Jason kicking the poop out of everyone, including Van Damme.

52:00-54:00 - There’s even a montage, and I don’t give a shit.
54:10-93:00 – Who fucking cares? I’m sure it’s full of bad acting, people learning lessons, at least one more montage that I couldn’t give a shit about and bad guys getting their comeuppance.

Do NOT ever watch this film. Not without booze. Sure, it’s no Hellbreeder, but it’s pretty damn awful. And proof that I don’t just review good films. I really hope that the rest of the series is not this bad. Seriously, the ONLY good part of it is Van Damme as Ivan Drago.
You know what? I was going to do the whole series, but I really couldn’t give a fuck. Thanks a lot movie, you were so bad that you deprived people of movies.