Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Everybody Was Kung Fu Shootfightin'

Film viewers have long since been entertained by fight scenes in movies, and no cinema does fight scenes better than Asian cinema. From about the early 60s, the western audiences have grown to appreciate the artistry involved, and soon started putting up their own martial arts experts and “experts”. But it wasn’t until the 80s, and the rise of people such as Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal that whitefolk started to make any significant inroads into martial arts superstardom. This lead to a huge amount of martial arts films being made by the west, some good, some great, most average at best.

Another thing that the rise of Van Damme bought with it was the “deathfight tournament” sub-genre of martial arts flicks, in which one man, usually spurred on by vengeance, enters an underground fighting tournament (sometimes willingly, sometimes not) and proceeds to kick ten shades of shit out of everyone who isn’t him until his vengeance (and bloodlust) is sated. Today’s film is one of those films. It is a sequel to a film I didn’t even know existed. And, best of all, it stars a man most known for being an imposing bad guy, Bolo Yeung, as the hero. And it is Shootfighter 2: KILL OR BE KILLED! And is apparently not even the sequel at all – due to the shoddy nature of the budget DVD house that produced this disc, it seems that this film is the first Shootfighter packaged in the slick for Shootfighter 2. I have no idea at all where one could watch Shootfighter 2, sadly.

Time: The Late 80s....or the mid-90s, but this film is set in Hong Kong, so it still looks like the late 80s.

Place: Hong Kong. An illegal, underground fighting club, populated by Hong Kong’s elite, and scruffy white people

Reason: Angry Chinese Men Killing Each Other To Death XII

Semi Final #1
In the black corner: Angry Chinese Man, Spin Kick Edition
In the white corner: Bolo Yeung
The result: Bolo Yeung, by way of being Bolo Yeung
Time: Way too long
Semi Final #2

In the black corner: Bolo Yeung’s sidekick/pet redshirt
In the even blacker corner: John Motherfuckin’ Kreese
The result: John Kreese by way of TEARING HIS THROAT OUT!
Time: Not nearly long enough

And that is what I’m talking about. And that’s just the pre credits sequence. And, just to prove how fucked up this film is, not only is Bolo Yeung a good guy, but so is William Zabka. Martin Kove, however, remains the evilest motherfucker alive. The plot, for those who need such a thing is Ken and Ryu...err, Ruben and Nick, together with Bolo Yeung (Shingo, but really the man needs no character name) get caught up in the world of underground shootfighting and have to kick the holy crap out of everyone who isn’t them. Can they do it? Sure they can. Along the way there will be love, betrayal, odds to overcome and bad acting ahoy.

And because it’s that sort of film, I will just highlight the fights.

First fight – Eye Patch Black Dude v Smarmy Black Dude: Nunchuck/Tonfa Battle.  Winner: Smarmy Black Dude, KO. 3/5
Second fight – Ken and Ryu v The West Hollywood Rednecks: Poolcue Battle. Winners: Ken and Ryu, KO. 1.5/5
Third fight –Tiny White Redshirt v Shaved Gorilla In A Mesh Shirt: Locker Room Brawl. Winner: Shaved Gorilla In A Mesh Shirt, Killing. 1/5

Mini tournament, Honour Rules:
1: Ken v Redshirt. Winner: Ken 2: Ryu v Redshirt. Winner: Ryu. 3. Ken v Ryu. Winner: Ken, Points. 2.5/5

Random observation 1: Now, I wasn’t expecting Oscar winning performances, but one girl in particular sounds like she is reciting the lines that she was 20 minutes prior to shooting. Seriously, she is worse than Bolo, and he doesn’t even speak the damn language.

Fourth fight – Ken v Mullet Wig Jenkins: “Journey To Mexico” Street Fight. Winner: Mullet Wig Jenkins, DQ. .5/5
Fifth fight – Ryu v Prison Yard Palowski: Shootfight Battle. Winner: Ryu, KO. 1/5
Sixth fight – Ken v Floyd Van Damme: Shootfight Battle. Winner: Ryu, KO. 2/5

Seventh fight – Bolo Yeung v The West Hollywood Rednecks: Restaurant Battle. Winner: Bolo Yeung, Bolo Yeung. 2/5
Eighth fight – Ryu v Floyd St Pierre: Shootfight Battle. Winner: Ryu, KO. 2/5
Ninth fight – Ken v “Iron” Floyd Sharpe: Shootfight Battle. Winner: “Iron” Floyd Sharpe, DQ due to Ryu interference. 2/5


Tenth fight – Ken v Los Mexicools: “Mid Montage, Turn To The Darkside” Street Fight #1. Winner: Ken, KO. 1/5
Eleventh fight – Ken v Los Lucha Jobbers: “Mid Montage, Turn To The Darkside” Street Fight #2. Winner: Ken, Darkside KO. 1/5

Random observation #2: The music in this film was made up of tracks not good enough to get put into ToeJam and Earl, mixed with Generic Oriental Keyboard Riffs #25-29.

Twelfth fight - Floyd Dhalsim v Floyd Markhenry: Toilet Break Battle. Winner: Floyd Markhenry, PULL YO’ FUCKIN’ HEART OUT. 3/5
Thirteenth fight – Mongoose (Karate) v Creon (Krav Maga): Blade Battle. Winner: Creon, FATALITY! 2.5/5
Fourteenth fight – Perez (Mullet Fu, Mexican) v Skeeter (Mullet Fu, Texan): Nuchuck/Staff Battle. Winner: Skeeter, Hangman Neckbreaker. 2/5

Fifteenth fight – Ryu v Smarmy Black Dude and string of henchmen: Warehouse Battle. Winner: Ryu, Chokeout. 2/5
Sixteenth fight – Andreaov (Generic European) v Shadow (Batshit Insane Monkeyoera): Spear/Blade Battle. Winner, Andreaov: Chokeout. 3/5
Seventeenth fight – DeeJay v Ken: Sword Battle. Winner: Ken, Accidntel Deth. 2.5/5

Eighteenth fight – Ryu v Ken: Bo Staff Battle. Winner: Draw, The Power of Friendship. 3.5/5
Nineteenth fight – Bolo Yeung v John Kreese: Battle Without Honour Or Humanity. Winner: Bolo Yeung, Bolo Yeung Flying Kneedrop Of Doom. 4/5

Your lesson for today: do not EVER fuck with Bolo Yeung or his people. Ever.

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