I Can't Explain What I Just Watched

I don’t even know how to explain why today’s film exists, except to say that midgets are awesome and Werner Herzog is fucking insane. For those of you who haven’t guessed the film - it’s Werner Herzog’s Even Dwarfs Started Small. It’s got midgets, a camel, some chickens and even a tree. It’s a film I have wanted to watch forever, and I have had a copy for a long while, just sitting there waiting for the right time to watch it. I guess now is as good a time as any, I suppose – wish me luck.

I don’t even know how I am going to get through this thing – maybe a liveblog? Actually, no – I think I’m going to bust out a review style I haven’t done in a couple of weeks: stream of consciousness. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Here goes.

Apparently, midgets have no idea how signs work...and, oh my lord, the music is some sort of Yoko Ono meets a Greek tourist resort nightmare. I hope it doesn’t continue all the way through (ow my poor ears)...The chief export of Germany in the late 60s and early 70s was insane midgets, and I am perfectly fine with that...No, chicken; do not eat that other chicken, for I fear it is only sleeping. Nope, it’s dead, in that case – GET TO EATING YOUR BROTHER!! Golly, there sure is a lot of self-shot stock footage here...and there is a map of the asylum the film takes place in...
Oh shit, back to the creepy midget on the stool...I don’t like that guy at all. Sounds like it’s an all midget version of the Stanford Experiment to me...STOP TALKING, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, STOP TALKING!! You squeaky voiced knee high devil you...and, apropos of nothing at all, we get Pacific Islander music...oh, I get it, this is the aftermath of what went down. Thank you, the voice of a full sized human, for filling me in...OH HOLY CHRIST, IT’S THE EVIL LOLLYPOP GUILD! I am so glad that I am not on anything right now...

And here now, the meat of the story...and a midget on a motorbike chasing down several other midgets, and chickens...There is something pitifully enjoyable about seeing midgets tussling, it makes me think that they are capering...And one has run off into the mountains (which have to only be about 10 ft tall)...TOO MANY MIDGETS!!!...Where the hell did Herzog find this many midgets?....And now they are ganging up on the motorbike rider....FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING, STOP LAUGHING!!!...There is one guy who is probably like 4 foot tall, but he looks like Andre the Giant compared to the rest of them...One wants her shoe back – they make shoes that small?...
I swear, the plot of this film is “Let’s see what happens when we dunk a bunch of midgets in LSD and mescaline, then let them run free”...Apparently something bad will happen to Pepe (and of course a midget is called Pepe)...Why do midgets have a full sized humans resort to run around in? Wouldn’t it have been easier to make a midget sized version?...Don’t call the police, silly midget boss...AND STOP LAUGHING!!!...She really wants her shoe...Stop being the voice of reason, midget lady...STOP LAUGHING, YOU CRAZY MANIAC!!...I think every single one of these midgets is on something...No, not the trees!!...”Mother nature! Yeah, the cops” – how the hell does that even make sense? I think this guy is only half listening to the conversation, and just concentrating on insane cackling...

And now her foot is scraped up – just use something else as a shoe, you silly midget...oh Christ, why are these midgets blind? Don’t they have enough on their tiny little plates?...And there goes the only palm tree in the whole place, being pulled down by insane, cackling midgets – that’ll show, um, someone?...THIS FILM IS HURTING MY SANITY!!!, and it’s only just 20 minutes in...Finally, some capering, and a call of “hoop-la”...That blind guy looks like a frog...I don’t know what is going on, why are they just sat there, contemplating?...STOP LAUGHING, PEPE!! Seriously, leave that shit to the other guy...There are 4 people in this film whose sole motivation is to laugh insanely, and one of them is midgetly even by midget standards...so, insane cackling guy is named Hombre –that makes perfect sense...and they are making him get married to the one who wants shoes...I think the lesson to learn here is – even the smallest dwarfs get bullied by the bigger ones...so, how about those awkward silences?....I don’t think Werner even bothered to tell these guys what the hell was going on...Aww, how adorable, he can’t get up on a human bed – he thinks he’s people...Running midgets will ALWAYS be funny...USE THE CHAIR, DUMBASS...This is like a nightmare version of Teletubbies: “again, again”...Lesson – never use a magazine as a step, they are just too small...Apparently, midgets do appreciate art...
Meanwhile, back at Pepe – NOTHING...Meanwhile, back at the blind guys – NOTHING, and a monkey...And all the rest are appreciating art...And Hombre is confused by a flyscreen, I know how he feels...A MIDGET RIOT!!! That’s what I’m talking about...Pepe looks like a human Eric Cartman...One of the midgets is named Territory? OK, I guess...This midget really likes cleanliness...More chickens, and that bloody Yoko Ono song again...Where the hell are they now? And why are they creeping across a field?...Oh great, the blind ones...No, other midgets, don’t sneak up on the blind ones, they are already pathetic...Psychomidgephobia: The feeling that somewhere, a horde of insane midgets is sneaking up on you...This scene makes no sense to anyone, ever – blind midgets entertain themselves by rolling rocks and trying to hit other midgets with sticks...Pacific Islander music again, I like this stuff (and that reminds me, I should watch The Thin Red Line again at some stage)...Don’t poke those piglets with a stick, go find your shoes instead...

And, in today’s Show and Tell, Tall Lady Midget has brought in her beetle collection. Most exciting, says Hombre...One of the bugs has escaped – I bet someone ate it...And now, an argument about how many legs a spider has...This movie has less plot than Waking Life...OK, some of these midgets have GOT to be regular humans wearing masks, they just seem too tall...WHY WOULD YOU KILL A PIG?...This movie is just Lord Of The Flies, as populated by insane devil-born midgets...Now what will the midgets poke with a stick?...And there goes Hombre and I Want My Shoes, chasing some piglets...Oh great, a human sized car – this is going to end in comedy...IS THERE NOTHING BUT MIDGETS IN THIS WORLD?...Suck it, Cleanliness Midget, you are going to die in this hideous place...Like Pepe is going to help you, you tied his ass to a chair...Now the midgets are going to town – so you better hide your wives, hide your kids, etc...Oh god, they have a car themselves...STOP CACKLING, HOMBRE!!!...And this is how midgets hotwire a car...
Oh great, now they are mobile – NOONE IS SAFE....Oh crap, who is driving car, NOONE IS DRIVING CAR – how can this be?...Why are midgets Ghostriding The Whip? Don’t tell me that this is where the hoodrats got the idea from....And now, back to the riot? Surely they seem pretty content with their car and dead pig and bugs...Oh great, they have fiery projectiles....And I think the damn car is still going in the background too...Don’t hurt Pepe, silly Cleanliness Midget...Yeah, there’s the car, they just forgot about it...An abandoned car, just driving in circles – I think that sums this movie up...And here’s the blind guys again...STOP CACKLING, HOMBRE!!!...More sneaking up on them. WHY?...Why does Hombre have a motorbike? How do his feet reach the peddles – this man can’t use a fucking human bed, so how is he using a motorbike?...If you don’t want to get hit, just steal their sticks – idiots, there are like 9 of you, and two of them, AND YOU HAVE A CAR!!!...Dragging a midget behind the car on a blanket – yeah, there’s a recipe for comedy...These people are easily entertained....Yes, treat it like a bull....Why is that one breaking all the eggs?...And we have a winner in the cockfight sweepstakes...STOP CACKLING, HOMBRE!!!....

I really have NO idea what is going on here, and I suspect neither did anyone else...And the blind midgets have found the dead pig, yes – ride it...Where the hell are they going now?...Seriously, this has got to be what Munchkinland is like when the cameras are off – nothing but insane midgets climbing mountains....Don’t make Hombre climb, he’s only like 2 foot tall...OK, I’ll be honest, I was a little scared there...Those blind midgets are not going to be sated until they have hit the crap out of each other with sticks...WILL THEY TURN THAT CAR OFF? At least it is getting very good mileage...Stop breaking all the crockery, Hombre – seriously, it’s not that funny...For someone tied to a chair, Pepe is very happy...So, this IS an insane asylum – that makes so much sense...This meal is as terrifying as the one in Texas Chainsaw Massacre...FOODFIGHT!!...And here comes the anarchy – take THAT, car...STOP CACKLING, HOMBRE!!! Just get drunk, you crazy little bastard...Hombre reminds me of a pocket-sized Mickey Rooney...
That chicken has one leg and a feather stump –and yet, it’s probably the most normal thing in this film...What the hell are you doing, Pepe?...OK, fine, just burn all the pot plants – you crazy midgets...Remember, people, always take good care of your midgets – or this will happen...Oh great, the barn is on fire...And lo, the car just keeps on going...And yet more cockfighting...All that smoke can NOT be good for their little lungs...Silly monkey, you are not Jesus – get down off that cross...Meanwhile, back in the office, the midgets are just throwing things from the outside in...Yeah, use Pepe as a shield – fool...Pepe is the most nonplussed midget of all time...And Cleanliness Midget has been driven mad – serves him right...And now they can beat up the blind midget (who is apparently named Chicklets) – DON’T KILL HIM...Time to burn the place down...So Cleanliness Midget moves his office outside – ooooooooooohkaaaaaay?...And there goes the car, backwards down a deep ravine – MANNIX!!!...

WHERE THE HELL DID THEY GET A CAMEL?...At least Cleanliness Midget is running for his life now...And boy does he hate that tree and its finger pointing skills – my money is on the midget, because his arm is quite light...And, because you guessed it – the movie ends with Hombre laughing himself stupid watching the camel sitting down and standing up...See for yourself...



Wow.