Sunday, January 2, 2011

This Man Really IS Black Dynamite

I’m gonna tell you a story
An’ you better hold on tight
It’s a story of racist oppressors
And a cat named Dolemite

He’s The Human Tornado
In this filmed adventure
And just like as always
Rudy Ray Moore’s gonna getcha!!

And because I find
That rhyming’s a real slog
I’ll review this here movie
In the form of a liveblog.

00:00-00:25 – Only Rudy Ray Moore could get away with a cape that says “Rudy Ray Moore” on the back of it.
00:27-01:35 – Two things you need to know about Rudy Ray Moore - 1, the man (for reasons unknown to everyone else) loves to be in states of undress; and 2, the man fancies himself (as many in the Blacksploitation genre do) a martial arts expert. Jim Kelly, I will give you; but Rudy Ray Moore is a master of Flailing Around Like A Comedy Duck.
02:00-06:56 – Dolemite is everything that Rudy Ray Moore wanted to be, and everything that Eddie Murphy became. There is just something quaintly charming about this man and his comedy stylings. Everything that this man did was so lacklustre, but he did it with such enthusiasm and with such charisma (the charisma that only a giant bowl of cocaine can bring), that you couldn’t help but enjoy it.
06:57-07:07 – Meanwhile, back in Stately Dolemite Manor: there is a party already in progress.
07:25-07:37 – In the next scene, Dolemite is wearing a completely different outfit – brother has more outfit changes than a weeks worth of drag shows. And he likes white women.
07:45-08:30 – Extras provided by “Whoever Rudy Ray Moore Knows”.
08:30-09:10 – And, because this is Blacksploitation, the brothers and sisters of the film are the good guys. This will NOT sit well with whitey, mark my words.
09:30-09:40 – But our Mr Dolemite is not above being a manwhore to the white lady. Who has no power but to get nude in advance.
09:45-10:00 – Ladies and gentlemen, the gratuitous hateful white stereotypes have entered the film. Every bit as over the top cartoonish caricatures as any WB strip from the 30s or 40s. It’s like if The Beverly Hillbillies were created by Louis Farrakhan. How dare those fine upstanding black folk have a party, or a big house where whitey can see them.

10:20-10:25 – GRATUITOUS MAN ASS ALERT! That being said, there is really no gratuitous nudity in a Blacksploitation film. Seeing excess skin in one is right up there with seeing giant lapels, a floppy pimp hat or someone being karate chopped in the trachea.
10:30-10:35 – See, now there is your problem; the film is set in Alabama. Which means that the white people in this film have not seen a black person in near 100 years. Silly Dolemite.
10:40-11:00 –And the county is presided over by the deranged and highly racist Sheriff Drunken Kenny “Torgo” Rogers. There is INDEED trouble brewing.
11:50-12:00 – And the sheriff is right to want to remove the troublemakers, because they are causing lots and lots of trouble. What with their.....sitting in small groups, talking, enjoying themselves and listening to jazzy music. Those horrible jerks.
12:50-13:20 – Just remember this one simple rule of Blacksploitation mathematics; (1x White Man + 1x shotgun) > (35x Black People). Apparently.
14:20-14:30 – Ahhh, so that is his problem, he just wanted to have sex with a black woman.
14:40-14:45 – REALLY GRATUITOUS RUDY RAY MOORE CROTCH! I don’t think I can adequately describe the horror of that. However, it turns out that white lady is the sheriff’s wife, so fun happens. By which I mean a good old fashioned fight scene.
16:10-17:50 – Our first major WSD of the movie, as we get a fastcranked car chase through the nearest freely available stretch of dirt roads. Like I said above, the whole movie is quaintly charming, and one of the things that is most quaintly charming to me is fastcranked car chases. Especially if it is scored with the Blacksploitation version of Yakkity Sax.
18:20-20:00 –And what is the best way to rid ourselves of pesky racist law enforcement officers? That’s right, a single shotgun blast into their car will blow them up. And then, all you have to do is.....yes? Hitchhike to California, of course. But, what the hell kind of white man is going to pick up a hitchhiking, half naked black man with no shoes on?

20:20-20:50 – A gay stereotype, that’s who. WSD!
21:10-21:35 – And he’s excited to be kidnapped to California. Double WSD!
22:30-23:00 – Remember, if you want to use the bathroom, use the ladies, because a large black woman will be in there. And that’s a WSD hattrick.
24:00-24:20 – Meanwhile, in a club that is different to the one at the start. I swear to you....yeah, I mean the decor, layout and patrons are the same, but they are different, I tell ya.
24:30-24:40 - Ladies and Gentlemen, the dulcet tones of Xavier Chatman and His Company. This is what I need after all of that, a zippy space-funk trio....
24:40-25:00 - ....WHAT AM I WATCHING? Maybe you can tell me?

26:00-30:00 – White people do not like black people clubs. Because black people clubs walk like this....while white people clubs walk like this.... And we have another plot. Another hallmark of a Rudy Ray Moore film – pack at least 3 separate plots into one film.

31:00-32:00 – To quote a woman in the scene, “what the fuck is this?” It seems that white folk in California like to kidnap black ladies and drop them in the care of The Chicken Lady.
34:00-40:00 – This movie would be about 20 minutes shorter without the variety acts. And the review would probably be about 200 words shorter itself.

41:00-42:00 – And it’s at this point, I must mention another one of Rudy Ray Moore’s little acting tricks. If you are in a scene and you aren’t directly involved in the dialogue: look like a deer in the headlights, that way you will remain the center of attention.
42:00-44:47 – It seems you CAN use Rube Goldberg machines to strike fear into kidnapped women. Ahh, science, is there anything it can’t do? At least The Chicken Lady has been replaced by Evil John Denver.
46:00-47:00 – What you think will be a sex scene turns into an exercise scene. WSD! But because it’s Rudy Ray Moore, we still get his ass all up in our grill.
49:00-49:30 – Just when you thought he was dead, Drunken Sheriff Kenny “Torgo” Rogers is back to wreak havoc and vengeance. Just because he can.

52:10-52:20 – For those keeping score, this is the 7th different outfit Dolemite has worn (not including the 4 in the opening credits). Why do I get the feeling that the only reason Rudy Ray Moore makes movies is to get a new wardrobe?
57:00-57:20 – Why do I get a feeling that all the plotlines will come together....and soon. Thanks to Cracky Larry.
58:10-59:30 – Rudy Ray Moore social skill #3: Accents. Rudy Ray Moore social skill #4: Hypnotising white women into having sex dreams using poorly painted artworks.

60:00-62:00 –OK, let me get this straight – Mrs Cavaletti’s sex fantasy involves several highly muscled and oiled black men who all live in a tiny box together....I think she is going to be very disappointed. Which doesn’t seem to be too much of a foreign concept to her. Nor is LSD.
62:00-64:00 – Dolemite learned sex from Pazuzu, it seems (look it up).
68:20-68:28 – Rudy Ray Moore, 1: Whitey, 0.
68:30-68:38 – 2-0.This time the fight was overcranked. And even funnier, because they still managed to move at half speed.
69:10-69:15 – That one was at triple speed. 3-0.
69:20-70:10 – Let’s see; triple cranked, samurai jump AND lots of head wobbling. 7-0.

70:20-71:10 – And at half time, our score is Rudy Ray Moore 11; Whitey 0, with at least one definitely dead.
72:20-72:31 – Back from break, and Dolemite has a commanding 15-0 lead over Whitey.
73:00-73:30 –Make that 19-0.
73:50-74:45 – And to bring it up to an even 20-0 and the rescue of the girls, Dolemite finishes off Evil John Denver with a vicious full nelson.
75:30-75:40 – Best. Jumpkick. Ever. And that’s the game, final score 22-0.
78:30-79:00 – Central America: Where they do nunchucks differently.

80:30-80:50 – OK, even I think killing a dude is a bit harsh for suggesting a nudey swim, but what do I know?
82:00-83:00 – And shit just got real. Whitey is being slaughtered all over the place.
83:10-83:25 – Except that one.
84:10-84:18 – Nope, even that one.
85:10-87:05 – NUNCHUCK FIGHT! This is the greatest fight in cinema history.
87:15-87:30 – I think Rudy Ray Moore just killed everyone in the room, single handedly.

91:30-92:00 – Why did Dolemite turn into Patrick Bateman?
92:30-93:30 - Dolemite will return.....never.
94:00-94:30 – Or will he? The end.

1 comment: