One Guy, A Box and No Pizza Place

Today’s film is another recent release, and I WILL be spoiling it pretty heavily, so I’ll sound the Spoiler Horn very loudly right now.

*WARNING, HERE THAR BE SPOILERS!!!*

There, now you can’t say I didn’t warn you. Anyway, today’s film stars Mr Ryan Reynolds, some wooden planks and very little else. It’s called Buried. It’s all about a man who wakes up in the middle of Iraq, buried in a coffin, underground. Which is a nightmare of mine, so my tense-ocity level will be at around 9 for this film.

Let’s have a watch, shall we? And, I feel like doing it Liveblog style – so, let’s get to it.

01:00-03:10 – OK, this is starting out pretty decently. The music is awesome – all dark beats and atmosphere. Hmm, Victor Reyes, never heard of him – I think I may need to keep an ear out for the man in future.

03:20-03:40 – Umm…hello…movie? You went totally black all of a sudden. This is going on a touch too long, I hope you aren’t broken.

03:50-03:59 – And there we go, some sound. I see what you did there movie…and I like it.

04:30-:04:40 – And there is Ryan Reynolds, and he is indeed buried. Just what it said on the tin. So I won’t need to sue anyone for false advertising, will I?

04:50-05:10 – Blair Witch recreation scene, number 1 of ???

05:30-06:00 – Oh man, all the poor dude has is a lighter…and he’s buried who knows how far under the ground – I’m sure shouting will not help.

07:30-07:40 – Thank cripes for nails or he’d be tied up AND buried – and that really just is NOT playing fair.

09:00-09:20 – And yes, he is still buried. In a box. Alone.

09:40-09:50 - …or is he, because there is a cellphone in there with him. Which is probably a good thing, because no matter how much a fan I am of Ryan Reynolds, I don’t think he could pull of a 90 minute monologue. He’s not Spaulding Grey, after all.

09:50-10:00 – But how to reach that pesky phone, because it is down by his feet.

10:10-10:20 - …and it’s all in Arabic. I can safely say that this is probably his worst day ever.

11:00-12:30 – Somehow, I doubt that calling 911 will be much help in this situation. Especially if you don’t know your exact location, as I don’t think “under the ground in a box, somewhere in Iraq” will give them much to go on.

16:00-17:00 – There we go, call the FBI. I think they may be a little more help in a situation like this.

17:20-17:30 - …unless you start shouting at them, dumbass…

18:00-18:20 - …or your phone craps out. Silly man, should have got a landline installed in his coffin for just such an occasion.

19:40-19:45 – Holy crap, it is….STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY SIGHTING!! Well, technically, a listening, but I would know that voice anywhere.

20:10-20:25 – And the frustrations kick in…finally.

20:40-21:00 – Hang on, what if he needs to go to the bathroom? That didn’t happen in the film, it’s just me thinking aloud.

21:10-21:30 – OK, that is pretty smart right there – see if there are any other calls on the phone besides the one you made…and there are. This plot just thickened.

21:50-23:00 – Call it, dude. Oh, it’s a blank line, but someone definitely picked up…and it’s a friendly neighbourhood Iraqi voice on the other end. And now it’s up to Ryan to get $5M moneys to bust himself out of his emtombment….c’mon, terrorist, NOONE has that sort of money just laying around.

24:00-24:45 – Hello, hopelessness.

25:00-26:00 - …or is it? If my eyes don’t deceive me, I think Ryan Reynolds is trying to EAT his way out of the coffin. I’m pretty sure that that’ll never work.

27:00-27:10 – Operation: Eat My Way Out was a failure. But who are you calling now?

27:40-27:50 – I just realised something – all these international calls he’s making, are on a cell phone. And that will not be cheap. No wonder the Iraqi wants $5M moneys, it’s to pay the phone bill.

28:00-29:10 – I really hate those “let’s fake pretend we are in, but we really aren’t” answering machine messages. And also, lousy sister-in-laws who won’t help you when you are buried underground somewhere in Iraq.

31:00-33:15 – And that is what happens when you come from a country that doesn’t negotiate with terrorists. Hang the fuck on, did that guy just say to get in contact with Dan Brown? What the hell use will a hack writer be in a situation like this?

33:40-33:45 – Oh, Brenner. That will be a hell of a lot more help, except for the fact that the man sounds like John Oliver. Who is no help to anyone at any time. Ever.

35:20-36:00 – So, no we find out that the terrorist is not a terrorist, just some guy pissed off by all the post 9-11 bullshit “all muslims are terrorists” posturing. And burying a man in the desert is a fine way to prove that point, sir. At least you have been negotiated down to $1M moneys – and if a frightened man in a box can slice your price down $4M, then I wonder what a trained professional can do?

38:00-40:00 – Did Ryan Reynolds just flip, head to toe, in that coffin? FUCKING OWWWW!!!!!

41:30-42:00 – And, we find out that the terrorist can be tracked, unless he is using a cloned line. Which I’m guessing he is. And, as an added bonus, Ryan Reynolds now has some extra lights and a knife. They could have at least left the man a sandwich and soda, as well.

42:00-43:00 – And the coffin is being lit with a cool green phosphorescence. Like the last 10 minutes of Silence of The Lambs. Only with no Buffalo Bill. Or maybe this is just some crazy viral video for Green Lantern…I’M ON TO YOU, HOLLYWOOD!

43:10-45:00 – And thanks to Dan Brenner, Ryan Reynolds has proof that he’ll get out. Because Ryan Reynolds ALWAYS gets out. Unless he doesn’t.

46:30-49:15 – And now, because there is nothing else to do underground – pills and booze. Because, when you are trapped in a coffin, buried underground…GET WASTED LIKE YOU ARE ANDREW W.K.

50:00-52:00 – And Ryan Reynolds is calling his momma in the home she’s in…oh man, she’s got a serious case of Alzheimer’s. As someone who has seen a relative go through that, this scene is getting to me…I have something in my eye, back soon.

52;30-53:30 – And, in a total flip on the last scene…the terrorists are not mucking around. Now, THAT is how you get someone to do what you want.

54:00-55:30 – OK, your video is made. TAKE THAT, Blair Witch Project. And, even for being buried underground, that video sent very quickly – is he buried in The Matrix?

56:30-60:30 – OK, how the hell did a snake get in there? Really? And why the hell are you trying to fight it off with booze? Oh..that’s so much better – fire in a tiny wooden box. It’s like you are TRYING to die, silly Ryan Reynolds.

62:00-62:10 – But in a stroke of good luck, he’s found how to switch the phone over to English.

63:40-63:50 – But there goes the cool green lighting. Awww, poopies.

65:00-65:30 – Film, I am warning you. Do NOT go all student film on me, you know I hate that shit. And do not go all flashback to all the earlier phonecalls on me, either. I am enjoying you, and don’t want to turn on you. Well, at least they didn’t use star wipe.

66:30-67:50 – At least, now we have cool red lights. And lies – take THAT, Dan, you lying jackass. Ryan Reynolds, even locked in a coffin underground, is capable of becoming an internet sensation.

68:30-69:00 – OH NO, THIS ISN’T GOOD AT ALL. NO NO NO NO NO! This will not do. Things are exploding and the coffin will explode and Ryan Reynolds will explode.

70:00-75:00 – TOBOLOWSKY TO THE RESCUE!! Oh no, not even close, he’s all trying to avoid a lawsuit situation by….oh no you didn’t, you did not just tell Ryan Reynolds that he was fired as of that morning.. You heartless bastard. I am going to find you and kick you in the junk, Stephen Tobolowsky.

75:30-76:00 – OK, I’m starting to think that he is NOT getting out of here alive.

77:15-77:30 – OK, NOW shit is really starting to get fucked up. Sand is a deadly killer. DEADLY!!

78:00-79:00 – Ok (again), now that would be scary. Knowing that you are definitely going to die, and that the people trying to find you have told you that they are giving up.

83:10-85:10 – HOPE SPOT!! Darnit – it’s the kidnapper. That guy is such a jerk. “Your blood or their blood.” – don’t go after Ryan Reynolds’ family, you jerky jerk.

86:48-88:00 – And Ryan Reynolds passes the 2^nd of The Origami Killer’s tests. He’ll get Jason back yet….wait, wrong thing.

87:40-88:00 – Oh man, he’s getting rescued….dammit, it was an hallucination.

89:00-90:00 – Goddamnit, don’t be on the phone to your wife. DON’T PROMISE YOU’LL BE HOME! DON’T SWEAR IT! You are going to die.

91:00 – Told ya.

I knew Ryan Reynolds had the skill to hold a movie on his back.