I Have Had It With These Gosh Forsaken Snakes On This Monday Friday Plane

Today’s film made some pretty serious waves on the internet a few years back. It seems that certain members of the internet community got wind of its production and star, and began championing it like nothing before. This championing got to the point where the script was pulled and rewritten with several scenes and lines suggested by many people. Pretty soon the film had achieved honest to goodness cult status, and it hadn’t even been released – then it was, and, alas, disappeared from the ADD riddled consciousness of the internet, who had moved on to the next fad (LOLcats or something equally ridiculous).

It’s a film that wears its sense of fun on its sleeve, its head and everywhere; and it is that sense of fun that caused its star to champion it as hard as any ‘net geek – to the point that he threatened to walk if the producers changed the film’s title. The film? Snakes On A Plane (the BEST movie ever, unless Samuel L. Jackson decides to do a film called More Motherfuckin’ Snakes On More Motherfuckin’ Planes).

And, since the last time I reviewed a film this way, it became my most popular entry, I’ll be busting out another stream of consciousness review.

New Line Cinema Logo – second best logo ever! And because we are starting in Hawai’i, we get Jack Johnson over the credits...Hawai’i: Land of I’ve Been There and so many surfing stereotypes...meanwhile, on a totally different island, we meet our Not Samuel L. Hero, and continue playing a game of “How Many Places Were Used On LOST?”...you can tell he’s extreme, because he’s riding a dirtbike and drinking Red Bull...and running into Triad action – BEHOLD: MOTIVATION!!...you can tell he’s a bad guy, because he’s dressed in white – yes folks, it’s that sort of movie...Kid, you gonna die...I hope...And yet, there is no plane...YET!!!

BEHOLD: SAMMY J!!! Now shit gonna get loud...and if we are lucky, we get a chase through Hawai’i, or at least the bits that the production could afford to shoot in...”I’m Agent Neville Flynn, FBI” – No, you are Samuel L. Jackson, and that is all...It’s Good Cop, Samuel L. Jackson Cop – the ONLY interrogation method that works...And here is our love interest/s...AND KEENAN! Every movie needs Goodburger...And, in your “It’s my last day” role – Julianna Margilies...oh look, newlyweds, a baby AND a dog (held by Cher from Clueless: The Series), surely NOTHING can go wrong on this flight now...and, as your celebrity pilot; David Koechner...But wait, what could the bad guys be putting on that plane? Surely, it’s not a giant box of snakes...

Meanwhile, actually ON the plane...not much at all, yet...but at least there are snakes on that plane...man, I think they are loading this thing in real time (which means I have to listen to the public domain music for 45 more minutes)...but at least we have a passenger that we can all root for – TO GET EATEN!! Christ, what a dick he is....Oh, unaccompanied minors – you are going to have an experience you’ll never forget...Oh, love interest flight attendant, you are a sexual predator...meanwhile, the snakes are still on the plane...

Ohai, CGI snakes in a box...hey look, a kickboxer – and he’s Asian, I hope he kicks a snake...man, with this many worrisome stereotypes, surely NOTHING can go wrong with the flight...oh Samuel L.’s love interest, why so angry – brother just wants some lovin’...meanwhile, the rapper and the rich bitch are coupling up – seriously, there hasn’t been this much potential action on any flight I have ever been on...BEHOLD, SNAKES!!! And they apparently have the same vision style as a Predator...Oh, dear, joining the Mile High Club on this flight – you are getting bit on the dick AND the tit, just you wait...AND, smoking the reefer – yeah, ya’ll are our designated Redshirts...c’mon snakes, eat the hell out of those kids, don’t just be Ceiling Cat – KILL THEM!...And now the fun can begin, no dick bite though...they are some angry snakes...I like movie titles that tell you EXACTLY what you are going to get...

And here is the guy getting bit on the dick – most OTT death in the film goes to that guy...jeez, these snakes are all sexual perverts...Keenan likes video games – surely that isn’t setting up something!!! FORESHADOWING!!!!...And turbulence – man, did Syfy finance this film?...Oh, brave pilot who isn’t David Koechner, you gonna die...HARD...c’mon snakes, get to attacking those people...Those kids are going to survive, as is the dog – because you can’t kill kids or dogs...OR CAN YOU?...Oh no, there are SNAKES on THIS PLANE!!!!...In the event of cabin depressurisation, snakes will drop from EVERYWHERE – ya’ll are fucked!!!...And all the Redshirts do what they are paid for, and die in many snake related ways...SAMMY TO THE RESCUE!!!...Snakes do not like electricity – note that down in your copybooks...Holy crap, that kid gonna die – well, the producers of this film have balls...

Kill ‘em, Samuel – kill those snakes...AND THAT BABY!!!...Snake + Microwave = a fun experiment you can try at home...Nothing beats the humour of a fat man being bit on the ass...Well, that kills off everyone unimportant to the film...except the rich bitch and her dog...and she gets saved by a kickboxing kick to the snake..yeah, that’s it – hit them with your purse, that won’t anger them further...dammit, the kid is still alive – but at least this teaches his brother to be brave; behold a lesson learned...SNAKE V BABY: UFC 211!!!...Heroic death number 1, check...Meanwhile, back on the ground...And we have a title; but not really...and a lesson in sucking poison out of wounds; see kids, the film is educational...I love spoof films that play for serious...And, because it’s Sammy J. – THINGS ARE GETTING LOUD AROUND HERE!!!...

Surprise Todd Luiso is Surprise...I wouldn’t trust Todd Louiso with a rubber snake, let alone 30 different types of actual snake...And now the passengers are angry, DAMN YOU SAMUEL L. let those people live...At least you are tolerating the snakes, for now...DRAMATIC SCENE!!!...People, when are you gonna learn, trust Sammy J, and you WILL live – that is a fact of life...of course the gay guy knows colour – and the jerkass doesn’t know from technology...why aren’t you dead, jerkass?...Sure, David Koechner can die, but you can’t...Oh man, you are one badass ex-nurse, Julianna...Ok, between you and me, I think this just got bad...EVERYBODY UPSTAIRS!!!...C’mon Sammy, pilot the fuck out of that plane...Oh yeah, shit just got real – you can tell by the dramatic music...and the fact that the newlyweds just got poisoned the fuck into death...

Second round of Redshirt deaths – GO!!!...Oh my poop, that snake is the size of a horse...HOW THE FUCK DID IT GET IN?...Oh you douchebag, you just killed a dog – YOU ARE GONNA DIE!!!...And cue Nelson – ha HA!!!...Of course, we can’t be held responsible if you get swallowed by the school snake...DAVID KOECHNER!!! You magnificent bastard – you be a hero...Oh, Koechner, dying and still making masturbation jokes, truly you are the manliest man alive...And now the AC is busted – seriously, could this day get any worse?...Yes, yes it could...Time to watch Samuel L. punch some snakes in the face...oh great, a gun...Say the line, Bart...I guess he is still tolerating those snakes on his airbound vehicle...KINDLY OLDER FLIGHT ATTENDANT!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!...That’s it, Samuel L. you stab the fuck outta those snakes – and you burn them, Julianna...At least we have AC again...

Meanwhile, on the ground, they now have ALL the antivenom...oh no, David Koechner!! You truly were the greatest hero amongst us...and now, the foreshadowing pays off – Keenan, you magnificent bastard, earn your keep and fly us home, baby!!...So, Samuel, how do you feel about the snakes?...AND THE LINE IS SAID, BITCHES!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAY...Snakes + high altitude + sudden lack of pressure = no more snakes. Try it at home kids...Now to get us home, Keenan – use your video game skills...If you crash, I will kill you myself...Hooray!!!!...It was a flight that I don’t think any of us will ever forget...and take us home, Cobra Starship...