Satan's School For Thinly Veiled Quasi Homosexuality

It’s time, once again, to dip into that hideous pile of public domain suck. No, not my Mill Creek boxes, rather the films that I buy for a buck at Crazy Clarks (the Australian equivalent of The Dollar Store). You know the kind of films; the ones that actual name actors did either early in their career, or for a paycheck; or the ones featuring a cast so obscure that not even they know who they are. Sure, you will occasionally find gold, or something that came out of left field to be actually good, but it’s mostly crap. So much so, that the last 4 films I watched from that pile, I willingly tossed out after I’d watched them. Anyhoo, today I’m going to watch a film that has been sitting in the pile for damn near 8 months now, and since I’ve been trying to cut said pile down, I figured I would watch it. Today’s film is a low budget Eastern European filmed and funded horror flick called Talisman (what kind of trouble can we get in with this? Let’s just say that the director on IMDB is NOT the director listed on the opening credits).

I’ll be reviewing it Stream of Consciousness style. So hang on.

The best company stinger since Wiseau Films...No expense spared on these credits, or what seems to be the school from Total Eclipse of The Heart..yeah, this will end well...At least the school has a subway station in its basement...UNCLE FESTER!!! WHY?????????????????????????...and why does your fire sound like a drill?...Yeah, this is one of those “not even we know who we are” casts...and it sounds like someone set their keyboard to “low budget Gothic RPG battle scene”...Viorel Sergovici Jr: that’s not a name, that’s cheating at Scrabble...and there goes the special effects budget...Now the movie can begin...

Meanwhile, in season one of The X Files...it’s another kid doing the same run to the same creepy school – this is gonna end well...BLACK RANGER ALERT!!!!...And he says “shit”, he is the designated black man at this school...oh, so it’s a school for troubled loners...and the main character seems to be some sort of a Mexican...Jake Fine? Elias Storm? Was this film written by a 13 year old?...Ohai, rich, white bad guy bully types...Oh, of course the white guy gets called a “stormtrooper”...And your headmistress, mysterious Lady Von Dracula (seriously, it’s like they got one of every country in this film, it’s like the Olympics of Bad Film Making)...and sexy daughter is off-limits – yeah, that’s not gonna last...mmm, stock footage, it helps move a film along...

WHY IS THERE A FLASHBACK? We know the kid has problems – don’t you DARE turn into Zombie Nation...at least the cemetery looks suitably creepy...yeah, no good can come from digging a talisman up from a grave...cannibus leaves, salt, sulphur, blood of a female virgin (implied that of a baby) and secret words – yeah, shit is NOT gonna end well for ol’ Elias Storm...Oh Elias, don’t go going up to the private rooms, even though Jake told you exactly where there are...seriously, this is the film version of Total Eclipse of The Heart (and yes, Arthur Fonzarelli’s got an army of clones)...this film has way too much implied teen homosexuality – it’s all tighty whiteys and gym socks...
Ohai, creepy yet seductive daughter – I bet you are a vampire, or at the very least, mighty evil...yes, tell us about your nightmare...take THAT, god...so, apparently, we have taken a dive into the philosophical...ohai, implied incest...ohai, nameless white sidekicks, you are going to get killed off very quickly, aren’t you?...yes, yes you are...note to self – never follow strange, sexy moans into the basement of ANYWHERE in Europe...so, apparently the big look among creepy yet seductive daughters is a fivehead and hair modelled on Darth Vader’s helmet...hearts on fire!!!....Black Ranger is such a pussy that he is either going to die, or be the sole survivor...SCIENCE DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY...but flashbacks do...

For such a big college, it makes me wonder why it only has like 7 students and one teacher...food fights DO NOT include stabbings, silly Elias...ohai, Doctor Creepy – of course you are a doctor of theology, so you’ll know EXCATLY what Elias is all about...and yes, Elias has an insane, demon worshipping uncle – which makes him, you know, for the children...you are all doomed – doomed – doomed – doomed...doomed...

Meanwhile, in a creepy basement – BUNNIES AND CANDY...no, wait – whips, chains and satanic flashbacks...and Uncle Fester...oh Burke, you fascist you, you will get your comeuppance yet...or just a pot of stew...sure, reward the evil guy with control of the school – DAMN YOU, EASTERN EUROPEAN SENSIBILITIES!!!...This jackass couldn’t even sweep a floor, let alone the leg...sure, just keep going back into the creepy basement, that’ll end well...oh my god, what is up with his eyebrows? It’s like they are stick on, but have been stuck over the opposite eyes...you are wondering why I’m not talking about the plot, aren’t you? Well – there isn’t one...the Talisman is evil and Uncle Fester is trying to kill everyone – end of plot...

I would say that this is good use of shadow, but it looks like someone spilled ink all over the frames...lesson number 1 – do NOT kiss the seductive, yet creepy daughter of the evil school marm...suck it, last of Burke’s nameless cronies...”tears of young men” – ok, this just got creepy...and there is your comeuppance Burke – that’s what you get for doing, um, being white and rich...and apparently, it’s the last day of the Millennium – suck it, something...STOP BEING DESCENDED OF EVIL, ELIAS!!!...of course, THE LIBRARY – home to all evil answers...The library, in this case, just being the single classroom AND the cafeteria just shot from a different angle...ohai, creepy doctor – you are dead now that you have spilled the plot...ohai both creepy and evil womens...seriously, half the time the boys are in a state of undress, and now the women are evil – this was written by Alexander McQueen, wasn’t it?

BLACK RANGER!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!...this is getting all sorts of gay and evil – just like Glee...and there goes kindly doctor – so it was Mrs Satan, in the office, with a candlestick...and there we go – Satan, this IS Total Eclipse Of The Heart...Kill them all, Uncle Fester – they are getting annoying – ALL OF THEM...take THAT, flashback children...ooooh, a twist worthy of M Night Shyamalan...and here we go – the bad guy gets to monologue...and we get twist number 2...and yet more implied incest...was that all one word?...and Uncle Fester don’t like that idea, not one bit...yeah, I’d be stunned too...and apparently the language that the universe was built on wasn’t mathematics after all (sorry, Galileo) – it’s actually some evil variant of Latin...hmmm, evil possessed creepy yet seductive daughter looks like Helena Bonham Carter now – I don’t know how to feel about that...and now she’s dead – well played, Elias...

Meanwhile – in the not too distant future (possibly next Sunday, AD), an innocent family leaves the film open for a sequel...

Seriously – the whole film was this:

But with more Uncle Fester.