Now, for the first time in quite a while, I am going to revisit my Mill Creek boxsets. As you may or may not remember, I have had a very interesting history with my choices from those boxes of joy, ranging from the pretty decent to downright lame and boring, but all in all, I have been pretty happy with most of the films that I’ve pulled from these. And today, I hope will be another good film. Why? Because it features giant monkeys, and, much like Homer Simpson, I do love a movie that features a giant monkey. Today’s public domain classic is – Kong Island.
And, because it has been far too long since I have done one, I think it shall be Stream Of Consciousness style.
We open with some poorly shot footage of white hunters in “Africa” (or a nearby quarry)...oh no, a shootout – and that’s the end of that guy...I hate this movie already...why did GI Joe shoot Hercules?...you sole survivor? Burt Reynolds...meanwhile, credits – and yes, this movie stars no one...but it does have a jazzy theme that is really setting my teeth on edge...And yes, it’s funded by the Italians...
Ohai, mad scientists, how you doin?...operating on monkeys, I see – yeah that will end up going well for you...This is the most realistic monkey surgery since Indiana Jones...seriously, that sidekick guy looks like he wandered in from a nearby butchery... that is one angry stop motion monkey...ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diahann Carroll – what’s the bet that she features in the film more than this one scene...oh god, this film is so boring...you’d think that a movie featuring mad science, mercenaries and monkeys would be more exciting...Dateline: Nairobi, apparently...
Was this film recoloured with crayons?...and now, plot – they are going to be hunting wild monkey that lives in a part of the jungle “forbidden to white man”, but bring on the white women, giggity...oh god, this film is starting to remind me of a less exciting Piranha, Piranha – and I didn’t think that was possible...meanwhile, in a dance scene showing how hip and with it they all are, black people roam freely...and apparently the merc is a bit of a ladie’s man, and is going to piss off the big game hunter by hunting his daughter...unless he gets kidnapped by a completely unrelated group of idiots, that is...I think I would care more if any of these characters were in any way likeable or identifiable...
“It’s the man, not the animals, who are the real danger” – you said it, sister...Loveinterest Magee looks like an even plainer Faye Reagan...and here, we have some stock footage animals...man, I wish this was one of those Disney nature documentaries from back in the day – those things were keen...oh god, I wish they would stop with the bloody music already, it’s like someone set the Burt Bacharach Pops Orchestra to “Suck” and “Rip Off The Star Trek Theme”...oooh, a bad guy – you can tell he’s bad because his music has guitar riff and cool drumming, thus he instantly becomes my favourite...someone set their Noises Of The Jungle 8 Track to “Everything At Once”...and yet more stock footage...If they don’t find a restaurant in the middle of the jungle, I will be very upset...
Oh no, music – you will NOT try to lure me into liking this awful tune by laying drumming over it...and for the love of god, get to the bloody plot already...jesus, not even half an hour in...I don’t care about ANY of these people, at all...oh sure, call the black guy Mulumba...”You are Nagungo now”...Oh hell yeah, bad guy – kill them all....MONKEYS!!!! Always attracted to naked white women...dammit – it’s just a guy in a suit so bad that he may as well have stumbled in from Search For The Beast...but at least they have something to fight for now...and something about a plot, but really, I couldn’t care at all – something about rescuing the girl in exchange for something...oh god – this has nothing to do with giant monkeys at all, does it? DAMN YOU, MILL CREEK. DAMN YOU TO HECK!!
OK, from here on in, I will only say something if something particularly exciting (hah), interesting (double hah) or cool (psssshyeah) happens...when the stock footage and dodgy Star Trek ripoff music laid over the top are the best part of you film, you really should just give up...I can see why this film fell into the public domain...HIPPOS!!...and thus, because the music has become cool again, means something is happening...THE SACRED MONKEY!!!!...
Oh no, Tabu has been killed – how will I know who is the Asian one in Black Eyed Peas now? (and there better be a special memorial issue of Vaguely Asian Magazine next month)...John Wayne?...it’s his sister? Then why the hell was he macking on her before?...and while nothing keeps happening in this film, let’s pay a visit to IMDB to read up on it...oh god, it has no entry – that does not bode well...ok, it’s called King Of Kong Island, and has nothing to do with what I am watching...DAMN YOU, ITALY!!!...it turns out that the Sacred Monkey, much like the Queen of Fantasia, is a girl...
Meanwhile, yet more stock footage...I just realised something – THERE IS NO ISLAND!!...goddammit movie, why won’t you end?...meanwhile, the plot is something lame about the doublecross at the beginning – thank you for FINALLY making that clear, movie...and now, we have some dead natives...and a hell of a lot more alive ones...”they are savages – they expect us to run for our lives” – wise words, dead white man...it’s official, this film is too boring to even snark on...and there is the Star Trek rip off music again...and a little something for the ladies...and now the ONLY animals that the producers could afford, two flamingos – there they go, ladies and gentlemen...oooh, oddly placed jungle fruit – I think it’s a trap, but I don’t care, I hope this idiot falls for it...
Oh crap – there is still half an hour of this...and finally, we see the Sacred Monkey, and boy howdy – she is not worth it, looking for all the world like the Princess from Wild Women of Wongo...MONKEY KNIFE FIGHT!!! Man will always beat ape...meanwhile, in what seems to be a completely unrelated film – Murder At The Rue Morgue is taking place?...Ernest Hemmingway fights with Sophia Loren, for reasons unknown, and frankly, I don’t care enough to check...I’m beginning to think that this film doesn’t actually have a plot...
Ohai, men is monkey suits...and now, we come to the awkwardly shoehorned in science fiction part of the movie... oh, so they (the mad scientists from the beginning of the film and were not so much as mentioned again until now) are implanting radio chips into apes heads for as to control them – and thus the Planet Of The Apes begins...meanwhile, on Kung Fu Island – hero guy and Sacred Monkey come to the rescue of the chick, and deftly win...or they will, I’m sure of it...but no, I still don’t care...Folks, if you are going to film a semi-tense chase scene, especially if it is the finale of your movie – at least film it somewhere that has some sort of lighting. Just because a cave is the only semi-authentic place you can film your shitball of a movie, don’t forget to bring a few lights...
“What do you take me for? A Jackass?” – yes movie, I do take you for a jackass...how the hell did Ernest Hemmingway get from his hotel room to here? And why do I care?...and man wins again...you maniacs, you blew it up – damn you, damn you all to hell...
I HATE YOU, FILM! Don’t ever waste your time with this. I’m serious.
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