I'm Not Even Going To Mention The Film's Title

Now, I’m not even going to tell you what today’s film is, just that it sucks. No – it doesn’t just suck, it’s a pure abomination of cinema, made by people who I am now convinced actively HATE the medium of film, their audiences, their actors and everything to do with filmmaking. That is the only way that Adam “Cancer” Friedberg and Jason “I Am The Reincarnated Idi Amin” Seltzer keep getting funding to make their horrific crimes against anything. And yes, I am aware that I got their names wrong (trust me, I wiki’d them) – and that says a few things about you if you noticed; 1) you care enough about them to know their names, and 2) you care enough about them to defend them. Who the hell keeps giving them money? Seriously. OK, I could understand at the beginning of their reign of anti-funny terror when people didn’t know any better, but their last three cinematic abortions have tanked at the box office, which leads me to believe that humanity as a whole is becoming smart enough to show these tools the door. Let me just say this, and you may well have gathered this already – these two scumfucks are the WORST thing to ever happen to film, ever. They make Uwe Boll look like Darren Aronofsky. I want them dead. I want their families dead. I want the “actors” they keep employing dead – even actors I like (DEIDRICH BADER?!?!? DAVE FOLEY?!?!?!?! KEN JEONG?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHY!!!!!!!!) who, no doubt due to legal fees, drug habits and outstanding rent cheques, took roles in their films, dead. ALL OF THEM.

CSB time – seeing the preview of this shit pile before a much better film prompted yours truly to call out, “for the love of god, NOBODY laugh at this”.

Anyway, the lump of shit I am reviewing today takes a potshot (I won’t say spoofs, because I seriously doubt that these morons would even know what the word really means) at the recent sparkly vampire phenomenon and links together a bunch of references to shit that happened 6 months to a year ago with tit, dick and shit joke, halfassed (at best) celebrity impressions and very occasional things that actually have something to do with what the film is allegedly lampooning, along with a healthy dose of “hey, I recognise that thing that happened” crap for the more simple amongst us and drapes it in the kind of horrible wordplay that not even MAD Magazine would touch, but half the cast of the last two seasons of MADTV would – because no one else would hire them.

Don’t worry folks; I have way too much respect for you to rehash any of the so-called “jokes” or plot of this film. But, let’s just say that the “jokes” in this film are to actual humour as setting fire to your genitals is to loving foreplay. There are more laughs and witty observations to be had in harrowing dramas about children dying of AIDs.

OUTRIGHT MENTIONING WHAT YOU ARE SPOOFING IS NOT A FUCKING SPOOF! IT IS JUST YOU SAYING THINGS! I CAN SAY THINGS TOO, WATCH! FISHERMAN’S FRIEND! LARRY KING! ARCADE FIRE! THE NHL! HIPSTER MERMAID! SEE – NOT FUCKING SPOOFS! FUCKING STOP THAT RIGHT GODDAMN NOW! GODFUCKINGDAMMIT!

There is NOTHING to recommend about this film. Everyone associated with it should be ashamed of themselves. To quote Pajiba, this is the last time I will ever mention those two douchewits and their inexplicably continuing “movie” “franchise” again.

How the fuck did I manage to write over a page on this? God, I must have been bored. Bored and angry.