A Film That Needed More Naked Splits

You know, Jean Claude Van Damme is a funny guy – he’ll never ever return to the glory days of his career (the late 80’s and early 90’s), but it hasn’t stopped him. He may be pretty much relegated to the straight to DVD marketplace, but that hasn’t stopped him. If you look up his IMDB page, you’ll see that the man still makes 2-3 films a year, along with other people who seem to be in the same boat. And that is where today’s film arrives to us from. Today’s film is 2001’s Replicant.

Much like another one of his films, in this Mr Van Damme plays two roles (one good, one bad) – one, a sadistic serial killer specialising in single mothers; the other ... you’ll see, but you can probably guess by the title of the film. Garrotte, a sadist who kills women, is the target of a police chase lead by Michael Rooker’s Jake Riley (name on loan from the Action Hero Collection) and manages to evade capture at every turn. After forcing Riley to retire, Garrotte takes to staking him and threatening his family, eventually being enlisted by a branch of the CIA who have used “SCIENCE!!!” to clone him (JCVD) and will use the clone to bring Garrotte to justice. The CIA Special Branch thus enlist Riley to teach the Replicant all about Garrotte’s methods, leading to a deadly game of cat and mouse between Riley, the Replicant and Garrotte. Along the way, Replicant and Riley (attorneys at law!) bond and vow to take their act on the road...well, maybe not – but they do bond, even though Riley is a total loon (hey, it’s Michael Rooker – were you expecting anything else?), we also find out the motivations behind Garrotte’s sinister urges, get numerous showdowns between Garrotte and Replicant and it all ends with a showdown between the three.

Now, apart from the martial arts (hey, it’s Van Damme, were you expecting anything else?), this is a role (well, roles) that I’ve not ever seen the man perform before. Sure, he’s played bad guys in films before, but there is something different about Garrotte and it allows JCVD to unleash his inner sadist – and I like it. In addition, seeing him play Replicant as basically a combination of a fast learning baby and some sort of domesticated animal allows the man to play two (new to me, at least) sides. Sure, the man will never win a serious acting award, but I’ve never failed to be entertained by him – no matter how shite the rest of the film may be. But, like I said, this is a couple of sides of Van Damme that I’ve not seen before, particularly his work as Replicant, which I’m sure is the reason the man took the role (and, working with Ringo Lam certainly would have sweetened the pot, no doubt).

All in all, this is a entertaining, if instantly forgettable little actioner – good to use to kill a couple of hours on a rainy day (which is exactly the reason why I found myself watching it).

Kickpuncher 3: Headbuttroundhouser

Because it’s been a while since I have done a martial arts film, and because you were all so well behaved during my Vampire Weekend (©CVK Productions), I’m going to reward you with the one that started it all. Well, as far as 1980’s martial arts movies featuring underground fighting tournaments go. Today, I’m going to review the Jean Claude Van Damme super-epic, Bloodsport.

For those of you not in the know, and really – you should be slightly ashamed of yourself if you are not in the know about Bloodsport (unless you are under the age of, say, 24, in which case, I’ll school you), the film is a supposed true accounting of a man by the name of Frank Dux (here, rendered in full 3D CGI by The Van Daminator himself), a white ninja, army killing machine and quite possibly the original inspiration for Steven Seagal, who goes AWOL, enters and wins the Kumite – the secret, illegal, life threatening underground fighting tournament to end all secret, illegal, life threatening underground fighting tournaments. Not much of a plot, but really, the film is there to showcase a bunch of dudes kicking the everloving bejesus out of each other. And Van Damme doing his chair based splits.

Besides Van Damme, we get to see other competitors – like BOLO MOTHERFUCKIN’ YEUNG in the role that he is most known Westernly for, Not Bruce Lee, Jumpy Black Island Guy, Jungle Brawler and...err, Ogre from Revenge Of The Nerds. Yes, folks – this film stars JCVD, Bolo Yeung AND Donald Gibb; I am in bad 80s heaven. Anyway, after being introduced to the only entrants that anyone really needs to give a shit about, we meet Dux just as he is about to go AWOL, head to Japan and flash back to his days as a misbegotten gutter punk who has his life changed by a kindly, wise and badly dubbed old Japanese man. At least he is still speaking in bad French. One thing that I must have forgotten in the years since I last watched this is how bad the acting is, even by the standard of 1980’s martial arts films. It’s only slightly better than No Retreat, No Surrender. But at least we know JCVD’s motivation for fighting in the Kumite.

And here, just in time – MONTAGE NUMBER 1!!! Or, Jean Claude Van Damme can take a fall. But, through the power of positive thinking, he learns how to fall slightly less, catch fish with his bare hands and serve a damn good cup of tea. Needless to say, he wins the montage (including the Dagobah bonus stage) and thus becomes badass enough to head to Hong Kong and kick the ass of the entire Kumite. Once at Hong Kong, our hero teams up with Ogre (after whipping him at IK+) and gumption filled action girl reporter Lottie McLoveinterest (her actual name being about as important to the story as this egg I am currently holding) and gets pursued by a young Forrest Whitaker, and who I think may be the mob boss from Mitchell.

After a brief lesson in Hong Kong/China history, we finally see the Kumite proper. After proving to the actual Chinese that he is worthy, Dux gets to enter along with his now loyal sidekick, Ogre. And because it’s that sort of film, I will be doing what I did for Shootfighter and running down the fights.

Fight 1: Frank Dux v Pile of Bricks. Winner: Dux via Dim Mak.

Day 1:

Fight 2: Johnny Blueshorts v Johnny McRedbelt. Winner: Johnny Blueshorts via kicking.

Fight 3: Ogre v “Fluffyhair” Johnny Rodenn. Winner: Ogre via Super Face Punch XL.

Fight 4: Bolo Yeung v Johnny Tso. Winner: Bolo Yueng via Being Bolo Yeung.

Fight 5: Frank Dux v Johnny McAsianArab. Winner: Frank Dux via Threatening Look/Sikekick Punch.

Every other fight in this round is montaged into unimportance, but everyone we were introduced to at the start of the film makes it through. In fact, the next 3 rounds are also montage fodder – Ogre, Bolo, Frank and other nameless practitioners all win their extra fights. Meanwhile, Frank runs from Forrest, in a scene solely designed to show us more parts of Hong Kong – and to allow Van Damme to be a cocky dick. We get all manner of zany chase action - including the WSD of Forrest falling in the water.

Day 2:

Fight 6: Not Bruce Lee v Johnny KravMaga. Winner: Johnny KravMaga via Kneefest

Fight 7: Frank Dux v Johnny Greypants. Winner: Frank Dux via Awesome Jacket Show Off Combo

Fight 8: Bolo Yeung v Johnny “Silvershorts” Li. Winner: Bolo Yeung via Kneecolepsy.

Fight 9: Frank Dux v Johnny Tsang. Winner: Frank Dux via Kneefist.

Fight 10: Bolo Yeung v Johnny Blackstone Jr. Winner: Bolo Yeung via Brain Punch.

Fight 11: Not Bruce Lee (in a shameless flaunting of the rules) v “Tattoo Warrior” Johnny Chen. Winner: Not Bruce Lee via Temple Kick.

Fight 12: Frank Dux v Grace Jones. Winner: Frank Dux via Jumping Front Kick.

Fight 13: “Island Warrior” Johnny Tama v Jumpy Black Man. Winner: Johnny Tama via Bearhug.

Fight 14: Bolo Yeung v Johnny Whitestein. Winner: Bolo Yeung v Facekicker.

Fight 15: Frank Dux v Johnny Tama. Winner: Frank Dux via A Good Ol’ Punch To The Taint.

Fight 16: Bolo Yeung v Ogre. Winner: Bolo Yeung via Violent Display Of Power.

And now Frank has someone to avenge, as is the way of all good martial arts films. Because the only way to avenge someone is to kick the piss out of Bolo Yeung. But not before a flashback/montage scene. And a creepy pseudo midget.

Day 3:

Fight 17: Frank Dux v Johnny KravMaga. Winner: Frank Dux via Spinning Heel Kick.

Fight 18: Johnny “Goldpants” Chen v Bolo Yeung. Winner: Bolo Yeung via Being Bolo Yeung And Killing The Fuck Out Of That Guy.

Fight 19: Frank Dux v Bolo Yeung. Winner: Frank Dux via It’s My Damn Movie Superpunch.

And it ends with a little bit of WSD. The end.

Hasty Retreat, Quick Surrender

Title provided by Dan over there at The World Of Disgruntled Monkey.

Edit – I was going to review the whole series, but because this film sucks so badly, I will not.

We start, as these things often do, with the first film in the series, which stars a then almost unknown Jean-Claude Van Damme as Ivan Krushensky – because that is the level of witty wordplay we are dealing with here. Of course, when I say unknown, I mean unknown except this



Yes, that is Jean-Claude busting some tasty moves in the immortal Breakin’ (a movie I hope to cover at some point soon). However, that will be then – this is now, back to today’s movie.

If you know the plot of The Karate Kid, then you know the plot of this film. It’s your simple “kid moves to a new town, gets bullied, learns martial arts, kicks everyone in the face until they learn a lesson” plot. Only, with JCVD as a bad guy. And no Pat Morita.

And because it’s simple sounding film, I think a liveblog will be in order.

00:24-00:30 – First things first, this is an absolutely rubbish print that looks like it wouldn’t be out of place in a Mill Creek set.
00:35-01:00 – The quality of the print may have improved, but that is the only thing that has improved. Nothing says cheap-ass 80s more than self-shot stock footage of LA and a cheesy keyboard “rock” riff over the top.
01:40-01:49 – And, over a zoom in on Jason, our hero (who I already want to punch in the face), we get “And Jean-Claude Van Damme as ‘Ivan, The Russian’” –because even they are ashamed of the name Krushensky.
02:14-02:25 – Why is our hero sparring with a young Eli Roth?
02:30-02:45 – Oh, I get it – even though he is a red belt in karate, he still thinks it’s Jeet Kun Do. It seems that our hero is a bit of a showboat. I can’t wait for Van Damme to whup him. Oh, and just so I don’t have to keep touching on it, Jason and Sensei Jason’s Dad don’t agree on things. But they’ll be friends at the end.
02:55-03:10 – That’s how you know they are evil, they have a luxury car, and....HOLY CRAP, VAN DAMME IN A SUIT. Nothing else in this film will be as awesome as that. Oh, and the other body guard has a puffball mullet.
04:00-04:10 – Firstly, Sensei Our Hero’s Dad is an actor of such skill that he’d not be out of place in Troll 2. And secondly, if JCVD in a suit is glowering at you, YOU GIVE THE BAD GUY WHAT HE WANTS.
04:45-04:50 –“Karate is not to be used aggressively, but if I have no other choice...” And that, right there, is your line of the movie. And sums up every martial arts film ever.
05:00-05:40 – It’s just like Obi Wan v Darth Vader in Star Wars. ONLY HOLY SHIT.... VAN DAMME HITS A VAULTING KICK OFF PUFFBALL’S SHOULDER INTO SENSEI’S CHEST!! Then destroys his knee.
06:10-06:15 – “I think my leg is broken”, he says – while the leg in question is bent at the knee. Yes, it’s that sort of film. All I can think of is that line from MST Pod People: “Her back may be broken – quick, let’s fold her!”
06:20-06:30 – “Fighting them is not the answer.” “But, what is the answer?” I don’t know, possibly a script with the most stilted, awkward dialogue ever? But really, the answer is coming – and it is so much worse.
07:00-08:30 – Yes, the answer is: move to Seattle (it sure beats raising cattle), accompanied by the music of Phillip Glass. And wow, I never realised how much Seattle looks like a suburb of LA.
09:50-10:05 – This kid is a freakin’ buffoon.

10:15-10:47 – And he’s now befriended the only kid whiter than he is. RJ, the only black kid alive who can make Carlton Banks look like Spike Lee. But he does have a basketball AND a transistor radio on the front of his bike.
11:15-11:25 – And here’s the neighbourhood bully, a fat 40 year old teenager who is introduced to us as he is propped up against a car, shovelling an entire cake into his maw. Well, he’s more smearing it over his lips, like a food based Buffalo Bill. I’m sure he’ll see the error of his ways, and we’ll get the humour of a fat kid doing strenuous exercise.
12:15-13:00 - There are no words for how lame this is, Jason and RJ are combining karate, electro-poplock and bad 80s rap into something far lamer than you and I could ever imagine. Oh hai thar, obvious breakdance double.
13:35-14:30 – Oh, I think Jason might idolise Bruce Lee or something. I’d have never guessed, since it’s been so subtly handled.
15:00-15:40 – So, fatty’s whole character arc seems to be this – he’s fat and doesn’t like doing work. Silly fatty.
16:20-17:00 - But for a fat kid, he sure can run. And has pretty deft balancing skills too. I think he might just end up joining WhiteKids Dojo.
18:00-19:00 – Oh jeez, Jason and RJ have paid a visit to Bruce Lee’s grave and are praying for guidance. We get it.
19:30-22:10 - Oh hai there fat kid eating hamburgers. Why do you hate on RJ so much? Do you want his purple socks? If this doesn’t turn into a breakdance fight, I will be very upset. Oh hai thar Jason to the rescue.

21:42-21:44 – And we have a title.
23:30-25:00 – Meanwhile, in Reno... yeah, I find it best not to ask too many questions either. Noone in this film can act. But at least Jason knows where to go for training now.
27:00-30:00 – Oh fatty. You will get your comeuppance. So, apparently the karate rivalry between Seattle and LA rivals the East Coast/West Coast rap rivaly. And thus ends that training, after Jason gets whupped.

31:00-32:00 – Everyone in this film is a horrific actor, reading the lines as though they were just given them not five minutes before. It’s borderline painful.
Random Film Observation: This film is just like The Karate Kid, if The Karate Kid failed on every level, and was performed by outpatients who recently went through major brain surgery.
34:20-34:21 – Why are you greeting Jason like an old friend? He only just moved to the city and only knows RJ and Fatty. This movie was 100% improvised on the fly, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it?
38:00-38:30 – What is happening to Jason right now is what is happening to my brain watching this film. It’s being assaulted by average karate, awful acting and way too much pastel. I have decided that I’m going to spend the rest of this review badmouthing this film.
39:20-40:00 – Why is there a flashback to what happen in the very last scene? Film, YOU SUCK!

41:00-45:00 – FILM, WHY DO YOU KEEP SUCKING? I am going to come in there and beat you up in a second. At least RJ and Jason have a love nest now. Seriously, the last 50 minutes could be nothing but Van Damme and it couldn’t remove the suck.
45:10-45:12 – And we have a title, again. Fucking catchphrases. Why have I written almost 1400 words on this pile of garbage? I scare myself sometimes.
46:46-47:00 – Aliens?
47:10-48:00 – And playing the role of Mr Miyagi? The ghost of Bruce Lee. Fuck this, movie YOU SUCK ON EVERY LEVEL. I don’t care what happens in the rest of the film. I’m sure it involves Jason kicking the poop out of everyone, including Van Damme.

52:00-54:00 - There’s even a montage, and I don’t give a shit.
54:10-93:00 – Who fucking cares? I’m sure it’s full of bad acting, people learning lessons, at least one more montage that I couldn’t give a shit about and bad guys getting their comeuppance.

Do NOT ever watch this film. Not without booze. Sure, it’s no Hellbreeder, but it’s pretty damn awful. And proof that I don’t just review good films. I really hope that the rest of the series is not this bad. Seriously, the ONLY good part of it is Van Damme as Ivan Drago.
You know what? I was going to do the whole series, but I really couldn’t give a fuck. Thanks a lot movie, you were so bad that you deprived people of movies.