Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Dear Famous People, Please Don't Sue Me

Today, I’ll be reviewing a documentary. About a joke. Yes, a near two hour documentary, made by a comedian, featuring comedians, telling basically the same joke, over and over – but each putting a different spin on it. It’s a film that I have probably seen a dozen times since I first purchased it back in Aught Six.

Well, I hear you ask, what happens in it then? It doesn’t sound too exciting.

Wrong. A group of comedians have joined together to form a variety act – they call it a Family act, which I guess is accurate, since they all belong to the family of comedy. Well, anyway – George Carlin and Phyllis Dillier come in and start doing a soft shoe shuffle, which goes on for a little while; Michael McKean and Harry Shearer come on stage and join them. However, those two gents are dressed in assless chaps and don’t seem to be shy about it. So, they are shimmying around on stage, in what they call “A Tribute To Michael O’Donahue” when Carlin and Diller grab them and knee them violently in the crotch, dropping them to the floor and causing their bowels to release. Oh, I should tell you that the boys have been eating chilli and beans and food colouring all day, so when they blow, it’s like the Trevi Fountain. Ms Diller grabs an ankle of each spraying man and spins them around, causing the shit to spray all over the stage in wonderful patterns.

Now, after that, Robin Williams comes in wearing nothing but a grin and starts masturbating furiously, aiming his cock at the fallen comics and starts signing his name on their faces, if you get my drift. While this is going on, Joe Franklin and Sarah Silverman come into the audience from the back – Franklin chasing Silverman around the room while she runs from him, but really this is just a ruse to get the audience involved as both performers start sliding into various laps, eventually embracing each other in a world class display of frottage. By this time, Williams has ejaculated two or three times, pretty much covering all four comedians on stage, leading Drew Carey and Whoopie Goldberg to enter (stage left) dressed as vacuum cleaners. They clean up the cum (sometimes some of the bean shit, sometimes not) and suck it all down, usually they gargle it and do a little mouth to mouth cum juggling, which looks AMAZING.

Judy Gold, Lisa Lampenelli, Rita Rudner and Wendi Liebman dance on stage, painted up to look like The Rockettes, but you can clearly see that they are butt-ass naked and highly aroused. They start high kicking, causing feminine juices to fly all over, basically covering the first three rows of the audience. By this time, McKean, Shearer, Carlin and Williams have recovered (Ms Diller has it writ in her contract that she only appears in the first part of the show and the final curtain call, so she’s gone backstage by now) and grab our Rockettes, violently bending them over and, as one, violating the women’s anuses with their fists. Given that this act has been practiced for a while, the men ream the women up to their elbows and 1...2...3 they lift the ladies up and treat the audience to a puppet show version of “I’m A Believer” by The Monkees, while Billy The Mime acts out what has happened in the show so far, which is a real treat for the kids, let me tell you – especially when he gets to the puppet show and starts ramming his fist up his own ass. There isn’t a dry eye in the house when that happens.

In keeping with the Fun For The Whole Family aspects of the show, we try to include some magic in the act, so Penn from Penn and Teller and The Amazing Johnathon come on stage (sometimes literally, but that all depends on how long Whoopie and Drew keep juggling for)  and invite one lucky audience member up to help with a card trick. For the solve, Penn actually makes his regular partner - Teller, appear from INSIDE Johnathon, usually he erupts from Johnathon’s ass, crawling out like a newborn, which understandably causes Johnathon to lose control of his bladder and bowels and causes his stomach to prolapse, following Teller out of his now distended anus. So, Teller emerges – covered in shit and piss and organs, and hands the card to the audience member. They can keep that as a remembrance of their night.

At this point, the highlight of the show happens, whereby Gilbert Gottfried and Bob Saget run on stage (one from either wing), dressed as each other – I don’t know why they do that, but it’s just something they thought would work, and it kinda does. So, they run on stage, and dive into the mess, bellies first, shooting across the stage like a slip and slide. If you look carefully, you’ll see that they do this with their mouths wide open, so they can collect as much of the mixture as possible. From there, we get a little bit more gargling, which distracts from the fact that Emo Phillips, Fred Willard and The Smothers Brothers come out on stage, Phillips and Dick Smothers lining up behind Gilbert and Willard and Tommy Smothers behind Saget. Emo and Fred both remove the pants of the gargling gents as The Smothers Brothers do the same to the men in front of them. I don’t want to say too much of what happens here, but let’s just say it is our loving tribute to the movie The Human Centipede. You wouldn’t think this would look too good on stage, but thanks to a special lighting and X-Ray system, all six men are lit up in such a way that the audience can actually watch the mixture passing through from man to man. I’ve seen it in action and it is a real treat. And, set up at behind The Smothers Brothers is a blow up child’s swimming pool, so the men have some place to evacuate the mixture, which by now has been joined by whatever the 6 men have chosen to eat that day – there is no dietary restrictions in this act, so it’s always fresh. It keeps it exciting for the audience that way.

From here, we actually have our second appearance of Miss Sarah Silverman – she is a real sport and I think ties the whole show together. She comes back on stage in a bathing suit, one of those old 1920s style ones and dives into the kiddie pool. She is such a born showman, that she’ll usually do this without putting her hands out. So she dives in, face first, nine times out of ten knocking herself silly. Which is probably a good thing, because it helps her focus on something other than the sheer unadulterated pain of what comes next. Rick Overton comes out, dressed in nothing but a diaper and performs a short piece that he called “Thrib” – a reverse birth, whereby he coats himself in the mixture left in the pool and slowly wriggles, headfirst, into Sarah’s vagina. This is a process that he has got down to a science and can get his entire body into hers within 5 minutes. Yes, I know what you are saying, shouldn’t a reverse birth be feet first? We tried that, and let’s just say that is why Carrie Fisher is no longer on the show. So, Overton gets himself entirely into Sarah, only leaving his feet free so that you know it’s him.

After that, everyone comes back on stage, takes a bow and that’s your show.

“Well, what’s it called?”, I am still hearing you ask.

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