Monday, December 20, 2010

Toddlers And Tiaras And Ted And Alice And Harold And Maude

It’s time for a comedy, methinks. And, because I feel like it, I’ll be doing Little Miss Sunshine.

It deserves a live blogging, don’t you think? I do, too.

00:00-00:20 – Fox Searchlight means quality. That’s how we know it’s an arthouse film
00:30-01:00 – Olive is your unconventional hero, but she loves beauty pageants.
01:30-5:00 – Meet the family: father Richard is a motivational speaker who believes in himself, but no one else does (this would be WSD, were it not so sad); brother Dwayne who has taken a vow of silence; grandpa Edwin (who likes blow and swears a lot); mother Cheryl, who is run off her feet; and uncle Frank, who is depressed, suicidal, just released from the hospital and gay. All in all, your typically dysfunctional Midwestern family – that’s how we know it’s an arthouse film.
6:40-6:45 – Dwayne reads Nietzsche. That’s how we know it’s an arthouse film.
7:30-8:00 – Did I mention that they family is dysfunctional? Because they are.
9:30-9:35 – Frank: “Who do you hang out with?” Dwayne: “*scribbles down*I Hate Everyone” Frank: “What about your family?” Dwayne: “*underlines*”. Again, would be WSD were it not so dysfunctionally arthouse.

10:30-11:30 – Even dysfunctional families enjoy fried chicken. Except for sweary grandpas.
11:40-12:00 – NOONE likes Richard’s motivations. And I can see why, bloody Greg Kinnear.
12:30-14:30 – A seven year old learns about depression and homosexuality. That’s how we know it’s an arthouse film.
14:45-15:50 – And the plot starts to kick in.
15:55-20:10 – We now have a plot: Olive is off to compete in the Little Miss Sunshine pageant in California. And her dysfunctional family has to take her, driving, in a shitty van – all together. Hilarity will ensue, lessons will be learned and the family will grow as a unit.

20:30-21:00 – At least Dwayne and Frank are bonding already.
21:00-21:40 – The music of Sufjan Stevens lets us know that we are, still, dealing with an arthouse film. And the scenery is pretty. For the record, the first time I saw the film, in addition to enjoying it, I was also playing “I Know Where That Is”, even with stretches of road – I like the Arizona scenery.
22:20-23:00 – Grandpa’s advice to Dwayne: “Fuck a lot of women”. Did I mention they are dysfunctional?
25:30-28:00 – An argument about ice cream? Way to make a little girl feel like shit, Richard. Good thing the rest of the family thinks you are a dick. Everyone deserves ice cream.
28:00-30:00 – Snag number one: the van broke down. I’m sure the power of dysfunction will help see the family through.

30:15-31:30 – There is nothing like running to jump into a van to help bring a family closer together.
32:30-34:00 – Richard’s storyline kicks in, he needs to sell his motivation series. And, because this is an arthouse film, the family still doesn’t believe in him.
35:30-36:30 – Buying truckstop porn is NOT when you want to run into an ex-lover.
38:30-39:00 – “Where’s Olive?” And the look on her face pretty much says “I knew this would happen sooner or later.”
40:00-44:00 – Who hasn’t stayed at a roadside motel? They are classy, yet tragic, places. But allow people to reflect on the zany roadtrip that they have had – sometimes by arguing, sometimes by growling, sometimes even by....we’ll get to that.
44:30- 45:00 – And there goes Richard, to make some personal growth of his own. Run, Forrest, which, I mean, Ride The Hell Out Of That Scooter!! Now THAT is some prime WSD!
46:00-46:20 – Oh Grandpa, your drug habit will be the death of us all...or maybe just you.
47:00-48:45 – Bryan Cranston sighting!
48:50-49:00 – Told ya. And that’s how a seven year old learns about death. Silly Grandpa.
49:30-51:00 – Yep, that’ll bring a family together. In fact, the only thing that would bring a family together even more would be stealing a body.

51:30-52:45 – Death: Serious Business. And Serious Paperwork.
54:30-58:00 – Body Snatching 101 in full effect. And where better to stash a body than then back of a stinky van?
59:00-59:30 – And now the horn is stuck. This will end in comedy.
59:45-60:00 – And it did. Let’s hope the body isn’t found.
61:10-62:00 – Nope, just the porn. WSD!

62:50-63:00 – CALIFORNIA!
63:30-64:00 – Oh Dwayne, just to get more dysfunctional – now your dream won’t come true.
64:40-65:00 – At least you are talking now. So that’s a plus.
66:00-67:00 – Shame that you are a real jerk.
67:00-69:00 – And that’s the end of that chapter. Lesson learned, family grows closer, all in a day’s work, really.
69:20-70:30 – When in doubt, you can drive through pedestrian lanes. What is it? Grand Theft Auto. At least they are to the final destination.

71:00-71:10 – Oh god, it’s an episode of Toddlers and Tiaras.
71:20-73:00 – She doubts Olive’s commitment to Sparkle Motion. But she shouldn’t, because Olive is AWESOME. Way more awesome than Miss California, who is a first class dolt – but she loves ice cream, proving her humanity.
73:45-75:00 – God, I hate everything about toddler beauty pageants. And pageants in general are just loathesome. I’m with Dwayne and Frank, I wanna get out of here, too.
76:20-76:55 – That is the orangest man ever.
77:00-78:00 – I have nothing against the little kids in these things, because they don’t know any better. But seriously, everyone who thought that toddler pageants were a good idea needs to be slapped silly. I am so glad this movie pokes fun at the bullshittery of them.
78:30-78:40 – Wholly unneeded possible paedophile appearance. Were he real, I would wish him dead. And so does Richard.
78:50-79:00 – That child has WAY too much hair.

79:30-81:30 – Frank and Dwayne need their own show, where they just discuss philosophy and the issues of the day. Dwayne “You do what you love and fuck the rest” – preach on, brother man.
83:00-85:30 – The family rallies around to hate on this shit. Except mom, who just wants Olive to be Olive, and not judged by a series of orange people. Olive, being Olive – decides to strut her stuff.
86:00-86:50 – Most awkward dedication ever.
87:00-88:00 – Best dance ever. Haters gonna hate.
89:00-91:00 – Now THAT is how you bond. No matter how many times I see this, I will laugh til tears shoot out of my eyes.
92:10-93:00 – Hometime! And the music of DeVotchka brings us home. That’s how you know it’s an arthouse film.

I love this movie.

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