Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Fuck It, It's The Karate Kid

Today’s review is going to be very halfassed and kind of angry, so I apologise if I don’t reach my usual goal of 500 words minimum. Firstly, I was on my way to work today and got hit with a freak stomach bug that entailed me to come home (so, no work for me today). Secondly, the film is, well, a lot more dull and boring than I remember. Today’s film is The Karate Kid, and I will be doing it in the form of Things I Like/Don’t Like.

Things I Like About The Karate Kid

The Cobra Kai Dojo. Say what you want about their methods, but John Kreese and his trainees (especially Johnny) are a bunch of first class asshole douchebag badguys. From beating the holy piss out of Daniel on multiple occasions, to sweeping the leg, to showing no mercy (it’s for the weak) – they really are the blueprint for 80’s movie assholes (who aren’t James Spader). And hell, Johnny, the “bad guy”, even gives Daniel-san respect when he wins at the end, if that’s not a good sport then I don’t know what is.

Pat Morita. The man is just cool – end of story. Well, not really, he was as gracious and polite as anyone has ever been to me when I met him at Universal Studios in my younger and more formative years, thus earning a forever pass in my eyes.

The Best Around. OK, this is one of the best montage songs ever. ‘Nuff said. To this day, I find myself humming it a couple of times a week.

Things I Don’t Like About The Karate Kid

Daniel Laruso. I forgot what a simpering little assmunch Daniel-san is. We are expected to feel sorry for him because he’s in a new town and being picked on. Well, on this rewatch – the kid brings everything on himself, outside of the kicking he receives in the tournament. I honestly think that he is one of the weakest heroes in any film that I have seen.

Mr Miyagi. Sure, for all his “wise teacher” coolness, the character is actually pretty damn broad, and almost borderline offensive. Seriously. OK, it could just be the fact that I am kinda annoyed and angry today, but there were parts of Noriyuki Morita’s performance that wouldn’t have seemed out of place coming from Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffany’s.

The whole movie, to be quite honest with you. I’d not seen the film since the 80’s, but anyone of my generation has talked it up and talked it up since we were kids. And, much like anything from any generation other than the present, you tend to remember it with rose coloured glasses, and when you revisit it, 8 times out of 10, it’s not going to be as good as you remember it (unless it has a constant presence in your life). This is one of those films. I found myself thinking “when will it be over”, on a couple of occasions.

There isn’t really a whole lot else I can say. The movie let me down and, as such, I will consign it to history forever – outside of a few catchphrases, and humming “The Best Around” every now and then, The Karate Kid has no place in my life.

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