Saturday, February 19, 2011

I'm Made Of 40% Dolemite

Well, at the start of the year, I reviewed the second film featuring that bad cat Dolemite, The Human Tornado, and now I figure I would do the original film. No, there will be no rhyming from me this time around, as I learned my lesson the first time. Today’s film will be Dolemite.

And, because I did the other that way, let’s go on and make this one a liveblog, shall we?

00:00-00:30 – We start, as films often do, with Dolemite in prison. And, not ironically, the cell is the realest set in any Rudy Ray Moore film. Says all you need to know, doesn’t it?
00:46-01:00 – And the historic first meeting of Dolemite and Queen Bee takes place in the realest office ever. I wonder what Dolemite did to take a 20 year stretch? Who did he kill? Noone – just drugs and furs. Because, apparently being a fur trapper was big business in the 1970s.
02:00-02:40 – And, in a flashback - I think we have found the one man who is a worse actor than Rudy Ray Moore. I swear they printed his lines on Dolemite’s fetching knit cap (and yes, just like in every other RRM film, dude changes outfits about 200 times)... I don’t even think this guy can speak English and is just sounding things out phonetically.
03:00 -03:20 – And in the first display of Dolemite’s kung fu mastery, he takes out Officer Menotknowenglish and his partners, Detective FatDaddyTrejo and Junior Officer Woodyallenasahippy... until they get all white boy on his ass.
04:00-04:35 – Ahhh, it’s just a plot by Rival McBlackman/Willie Green to eliminate Dolemite from the streets of Downtown IswearthesearethesameneighbourhoodsaswereusedinMitchell. But why? And for what purposes?
04:50-05:30 – Here’s the plot: have you ever seen Black Dynamite? Because that is what the plot of Dolemite it. They even killed Little Jimmy.
05:50-06:10 – “But what do you want me to do, Warden?” “BE DOLEMITE, BITCH!”
06:15-06:30 – And Dolemite is going to be a one man A Team.
07:00-08:40 - “You do know a man named Willie Green, don’t you?” And so begins the most badass song ever, The Love Theme From Dolemite. “Screenplay by Jerry Jones (who is also 3rd billed on the film). From on original adaptation by RR Moore (Yes, you guessed it – Dolemite is an adaptation of Mrs Minever). Directed by D’Urville Martin (the second billed in this film).” And, just in the opening credits alone, Dolemite goes through 10 different outfits.
08:50-09:00 – Why is Dolemite dressed like a 1890’s bible salesman?
09:12-09:15 – Hilarious random line number one. Random white lady “Nooooooo shit, baby.”
09:20-10:20 – Dramatic outfit changing scene, because as we know, Rudy Ray Moore likes to be naked on screen. And now he is the most pimpin’ pimp ever.

10:40-11:00 – Why did he change if he’s going to get naked again as soon as he gets back in the car?
11:20-11:30 – Sheesh, not even 5 minutes out of jail and already being chased by a car full of racial stereotypes. What is he, Burt Reynolds? At least he has some funky chase music.
11:50-12:00 – And the chase is on...and almost instantly stops.
12:30–12:50 - WHY DOES DOLEMITE HAVE A MACHINE GUN? Who thought that would be a good idea?
13:05-13:10 – Most realistic shooting deaths ever!!
13:30-13:40 – Most realistic blood ever.
14:00-14:10 – Ahh, Blacksploitation films – where you can shoot a carful of racial stereotypes and drive off as though nothing ever happened. As long as you are dressed like a pimp.
14:14-14:20 – Outfit number 4 of the movie proper.
15:00-15:20 – “What do you mean we don’t have a club anymore? Don’t you know that that is half the damn movie right there; with me doing my comedy act and various singers and bands that I know padding out these films...”
15:40-15:50 – Damn you, Willie Green.
16:10-16:30 – Because when your pimp is in prison, that’s what you do – put his girls through karate school.
18:00-18:10 – You can tell Willie Green is a bad guy, because he hangs out with white men. And has a fetching back coat. And runs a massage parlour, where EVERY ending is happy.
19:15-19:20 – OK, either Dolemite is stoned off his ass, or he’s trying to seduce a lady. It’s hard to tell, since both emotions are the same to him. I’ll bet a lady...
19:20-20:45 – Yep. And it’s a seduction worthy of Tommy Wiseau. Because, when you are trying to seduce a lady, you don’t need more than a dribble of booze. Thankfully that stopped before we got gratuitous man ass.

21:00-21:05 – Speaking of gratuitous...BOOM MIC!! And also, why is Dolemite dressed like Kerwin White? (look it up)
21:10-23:00 – Oh those white police. Oh, and holy crap – well done Black Dynamite, actually casting someone from Dolemite. It’s just a shame that in this, he has to be partnered with the lovechild of Merlin Olsen and Joe Don Baker. He really should be talking about Code Kansas, not stealing Dolemite’s blow. And as penance – he gets an authentic kung fu kick to the spine.

23:50-24:30 – Oh hi there, Militant Preacher. We can’t have a Blacksploitation film without you, can we?
25:00-25:30 – You are looking for Dolemite, are you Officer Racists? Well, you shouldhave found him 2 minutes ago, when he was kicking your asses. You really are awful at your job, aren’t you?
25:35-25:40 – “Say, Preacher, what you got here?” “Oh, just some old clothes for the poor...oh, and boxes and boxes of high powered weaponry...yeah, that too.”
26:40-27:20 – Umm....why is a crackhead on screen? And what the hell kind of burger joint don’t sell French fries? And why the fuck does this guy have his own theme music? Aww, and it’s funkier than mine too.
27:40-28:00 – Why is Dolemite dressed like Seven? (Lord of Time All Up In This Bitch) I just wish I could find a picture of the outfit, it’s almost dead on.
28:01-30:45 - And why is a full sized Hombre standing there? STOP CACKLING, HOMBE!!! Just like almost anything is a Rudy Ray Moore film, this scene has no bearing on the plot at all – it’s just a chance for Mr Moore to get his rhyme on. Plus, if you ever wondered what The Cosby Kids would look like at the age of 45, well...there ya go.

32:00-34:00 – Dolemite v crackhead. A friendship that lasts throughout the ages. And, what I said before about the worst actor ever, everyone in this film wants to prove me wrong, as not even Rudy Ray Moore knows what is going on with this cat. He’s like Huggy Bear, if Huggy Bear was indeed a crackhead, and not the world’s most awesome pimp.
34:00-34:30 – No, crackhead, don’t go with Dolemite, brother wants to hunt you for sport. Or take you for a ride in his pimped out TARDIS.
35:10-35:20 – OK, I was wrong, he’s not a crackhead, he’s a junk fiend. Dude is Larry The Car Wiper. But, if this is the Immaculate High, then I want no part of it at all. By the way, dude sounds like a junk sick Bill Cosby – but I bet he don’t know where to start or where to begin,’s rough out there.
36:40-36:50 – And now he’s dead. At the hands of two men with giant afros, who soon die at the hands of Dolemite. Folks, let me take this opportunity to say, if you are going to shoot a fight scene, make sure you are in a room bigger than a crackhead’s bathroom. Just a handy tip. And for those keeping score at home, Dolemite: 8, Everyone Else: 0.
37:20-37:00 – And now Dolemite is done arrested for murder. Looks like the cops finally did their job.
38:00-39:00 – And it looks like not even the good Reverend is immune to the charms of gettin’ it on, as he is visited by Officer Iwrotethisdamnmovie.

40:00-40:30 – And, hey look, another scene that has nothing to do with the plot. Or does it...
40:50-41:30 - And, because they obviously paid to use the cell, goddammit, they are going to film there as much as they possibly can. And, holy crap, Dolemite is wearing yet ANOTHER outfit.
42:00-42:00 – Hang on, this ain’t right. It’s a new scene and Dolemite is wearing an outfit that we have already seen.
42:00-44:30 – A young Tommy Wiseau has all his questions about sex answered.
46:00-46:30 – Now THAT is some funky table dancing.
46:50-47:40 – Greatest line in the movie is GO NOW!! As Dolemite just marches on by Lou Rawls Jr and gets to some drug sniffin’ at Willie Green’s place.
48:00-48:10 – Dolemite: 11, Everyone Else: 1
48:40-48:55 – Make that, Everyone Else: 1.5, because Wllie Green just made an own goal.
49:00-49:30 – And, because you can’t not have them in a Blacksploitation film – karate kickin’ ladies.

50:00-52:00 - C’mon, Dolemite, inspire those ladies. Oh, it’s outfit number 10, folks. And to celebrate, one big ass party, with all of Dolemite’s friends and associates from across the country (read – all the people he knows in the downtown LA area) will be invited. Because Dolemite is his name and fucking up motherfuckers is his game.
52:40-54:00 – And because it’s 50 minutes into the film, lets introduce another plot thread, shall we? This time, involving Mayor Ronjeremydoinghisbestharveyfeirsteinimpression. You know what, I think this guy is going to turn out to be dirty – because the mayor always is in situations like that. Oh hi there Willie Green, thanks for proving me right.
55:00-57:00 – Oh mayor, you are so dirty. Your fingers are in so many pies that I’m sure Dolemite will kick you in the spine, or at the very least, karate chop you in the trachea. Or maybe Willie Green will see the error of his ways and kick you in the balls.
57:50-59:00 – Holy damn, outfit number 11. And why are you buying guns from Militant Reverend? Don’t you know that that is going to get his ass killed.

60:00-60:45 – So, it seems that Dolemite is the single greatest influence on Nerd Culture ever, because DUDE IS DRESSED LIKE MARIO NOW!! And eating bags of cocaine out of the dumpster (which really explains his entire career...or at least Petey Wheatstraw).
60:50-65:00 - Meanwhile, at the club, we get a lot of padding, a new outfit and variety acts. Nothing as brain breaking as Xavier Chatman and His Company, though. Just lots of funky black people in matching outfits and high, high waistbands. And a man wearing the GREATEST PIMPHAT IN THE HISTORY OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE!! Seriously, dude looks like he has an entire alpaca on his head.
65:00-71:00 - Hey, did you pay to see a Rudy Ray Moore standup comedy and rhyming fun set? Because you are getting one anyway, you lucky ducks. But first, the Dolemite Dancers, but of course, after Xavier Chatman and His Company, every other dancer is boring. And the good Reverend is back...and, for reasons unknown to me, he is dressed as Alabama, King Of The Cosmos (and maybe, one day, when I am feeling brave, I will do a SoC review of Alabama’s Ghost). Like I said in the other review, if they took out all the stuff that was just Rudy Ray Moore performing his stand up stuff, then the film would only be about 40 minutes long.

72:00-73:10 – Oh Willie Green, you are such a rotter. Let that be a lesson to you.
73:30-74:00 - Or not. Dude, don’t shoot up the club, I’m sure these people haven’t been taught how to act well enough to react to such things. Or, you could just beat up everyone instead, because they are no strangers to falling over or running at the first sight of trouble.
74:10-76:30 – Dolemite: 17, Team Dolemite: 6, Everyone Else: 4, Guy With Alpaca Hat: TKO and a slashed face, Willie Green: HEART PULLED OUT BY DOLEMITE AND SHOT BY A FRIENDLY POLICE OFFICER.
77:00-77:20 – OH GOD WHY?!?!?! WHY IS THERE MAYOR ASS? NOONE ASKED FOR THAT!!! I hate you, Rudy Ray Moore! Not even Tommy Wiseau would do that to us.
77:40-78:00 – Oh dear fucking Christ....MY SANITY HAS BEEN RAPED!! Noone should EVER have to see that much skin from a fat hairy white man (yes, even you, Ron Jeremy).
79:10-79:30 – Catfight. And, the mayor just becomes Glen Beck, by killing a black woman while he is naked...oooh, take THAT, easy targets.\

80:00-84:00 – And now all hell breaks loose, with all manner of chasing, punching, kicking and funky chase music. And a car chase that reaches speeds of 10. Seriously, how did this guy ever get voted in? He seriously looks like Ron Jeremy. I wouldn’t trust this guy with a bag of dirty diapers let alone a city. And his uppence has come. Not even at the hands of Dolemite, so he’s really been inconsequential to the whole story, all things considered – he’s really just been used as bait for the actual plan to nab some dirty cops and a dirty mayor.
84:00-86:00 – and Operation Use Dolemite As Bait is a go. And so is Operation Rudy Ray Moore Does The Slowest Kicks Ever. Final score – Dolemite: 20, Everyone Else: 4.
87:30-89:00 – And Dolemite is free, and from the looks of it, he’s going to go to another city to help people with their personal problems, just like The Littlest Hobo. The End.

Honestly, I think Dolemite is the weaker of the two main Dolemite films as it’s being played for serious, and Rudy Ray Moore just can’t do serious.

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